There are many frights a woman can encounter while she’s out on a jog, but few as visually assaulting as potentially bumping into another person running buck booty naked just a few feet away. Things move, you know, and flap and jiggle and jostle about. Yikes.
But that horror is a potential reality for residents of the Netherlands, where just any ol’ body can peel out of a T-shirt and sweats and run completely unclothed. A judge has OKed an appeal by a man who is a self-described “naturist,” legally giving citizens the green light to leave their clothes at home and do their daily road work completely nude.
"If it was [offensive] then God wouldn't have given us genitals," said Andrew Lyall Pointon, the one-man catalyst behind the whole run-in-the-buff movement. "It is a win for all libertarians and a setback for all conservatives in the country."
Last year, he was on one such jog when a passerby, apparently blindsided and bewildered by his penile terrorism, called police and filed a complaint. He was arrested during the course of one of his clothing-less runs and found guilty of offensive behavior, which has since been overturned with his appeal. The presiding judge sees nothing wrong with it so long as Pointon—and anyone else wanting to streak through the countryside—stays off the trails when children are likely to be using them and (eh-hem) exercises some semblance of modesty, as much as you can when your Smith & Wesson is dangling in full view.
Please, please, please, oh dear American lawmakers, do not ever, ever, never let this become a reality here in the U.S. There have been times when I thought I couldn’t operate under certain laws, even whole administrations, but I know—for sure—that the possibility of running into widespread, unclothed anarchy would make me an ex-patriot. For sure. Thankfully, given that Erykah Badu was fined for publicly stripping down in the making of her “Window Seat” video back in 2010, I think we’re still erring on the side of conservatism. That means Pointon and his flashy man parts won’t be moving over here any time soon.
It stands to reason that individuals taking the time and exerting the energy to get their daily exercise care about their bodies and their health. That does not guarantee, however, that said physiques need to be on full display in any state of undress. In the fantasies of my mind, we’d be encountering the Ryan Goslings and the Idris Elbas and the cute guy from apartment 3C types. I mean, it might be a little surprising at first, but nonetheless pleasant.
But that arc of permission also hangs over Freakishly Hairy Guy, Hasn’t Done a Crunch Since the Late 90s Gal, and me. And Lord knows I don’t even wear spandex pants without a long shirt, much less think about accosting innocent bystanders with what I’ve got going on. That Hostess meltdown put me in a Twinkie and Suzy Q-gorging tailspin that has left my waistline pretty ill-affected. All in all, it’s just a bad idea. For everyone. Let’s just all keep our clothes on, hmm? Run free, but not that free.
Would you, could you, should you ever jog naked? Anywhere?
Image via pescatello/Flickr