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Man Discovers Wife of 19 Years Used to Be a Man

by Jennifer Lawinski on November 26, 2012 at 6:36 PM

male female man woman symbolsAfter a few decades of marriage, you might think you know someone, but that's not what happened to one man who discovered that his wife of 19 years was actually born a boy. And she'd been hiding it from him for their entire relationship.

When the man, named Jan, and his wife Monica moved to Belgium from Indonesia, where the she was from, immigration authorities thought something was fishy with her paperwork but eventually gave in. Turns out, they were right. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. And the truth didn't surface for nearly two decades.

Jan told a newspaper that the couple had decided not to have children since he had two from a previous relationship, but Monica had pretended to menstruate for years. "Even during sex, I never noticed anything," he said. WHAT? Gah. What???

Poor Jan, who is now 64, says his life feels torn apart. And it's understandable. Hiding the truth about your gender and genetics from the person you've promised to spend you life with is a serious betrayal. Even beyond genetics, it was part of who Monica was, an important part.

Things were normal until Monica started clubbing and wearing skimpy clothes. Then, rumors surfaced that she wasn't a woman at all -- but rather a "sex-changed man."

Imagine this scene that Jan says went down with Monica.

I pushed her against the wall and said: 'Now I know the truth. Are you a man?' She then announced that she was born as a boy and that she had been operated on. She was now a woman, and so she did not need to tell me about her past as a man. My world collapsed. That evening came to blows. The police came.

The pain of a betrayal like that would be hard to bear. Jan is trying to get his marriage annulled, but after 19 years, it's not like he can just pretend it all never happened. Both he and immigration authorities were scammed by this woman who pretended to be someone she wasn't.

I have respect for anyone who chooses to go through with sex-reassignment surgery. It's your right as a person to live the life you want. But... But I really believe that's information your partner deserves to know. Hiding it is cruel and usual.

Do you think Monica should have told her husband she had been born a boy?

 

Image via phunkstarr/Flickr

Filed Under: in the news, sex secret, sex, marriage

Comments

102
  • tnyangel
    --

    tnyangel

    November 26, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    Absolutely! I don't expect them to wear a sign that tells the world "I had a sex change", but I would expect anyone past dating and entering monogamous relationship to be honest. 


  • Em...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Em Chappell-Root

    November 26, 2012 at 7:03 PM

    Well, considering the amount of violence and hate transgendered people face, not to mention the fact that her husband ASSAULTED her and is now DIVORCING her because of being transgendered, are you really surprised people don't want to tell? You don't conceal your bigotry very well. Should she have been honest? Yes, because then she wouldn't have made the mistake of marrying someone who would treat her like that. I know and love too many people who are part of the LBGTQ community to not understand the fear and danger they live in simply to be themselves.

     


  • Erika...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Erika NW Goodall

    November 26, 2012 at 7:38 PM

    What the hell is wrong with you? "Something was VERY WRONG"? There is nothing wrong with someone being transgendered, and who cares whether they admit it to their current partner or not. If he loved her, he would not have assulted her. And as far as not being able to tell during intercourse, yeah.. surgery these days is awesome. Stop being such a bigot. People's sexual identity should not be made into a mockery like this. Shame on you!


  • Torra...
    --

    TorranceMom

    November 26, 2012 at 7:48 PM
    Uhhhhh . . . YEAH!
  • Rache...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Rachel Megalos

    November 26, 2012 at 7:50 PM

    My mother got an annulment from my father after 14 years of marriage (no sex changes involved!!!) so I'm sure in this situation he will be able to get one.


  • Mary...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Mary Cimino

    November 26, 2012 at 8:27 PM

    The fact that she's transgender means nothing, it's the fact that she hid it from him. She should have at least told him before they got married because you trust them. I have a shady past and my husband knows about it. He didn't assault me about it and married me.


  • Reepi...
    --

    Reepicheep.CSL

    November 26, 2012 at 8:42 PM
    He had every right to know. It's not like this was something that wasn't important.
    Every person who wants to have a sex change surgery has that right, but they sure as heck don't have the right to deceive someone like that. Disgusting.
    I would leave my husband, whom I love deeply, for such a huge betrayal.
    BTW, what the heck did this person expect to happen after intentionally deceiving their husband for 19 years? A pat on the head? They should have said something up front and then allow your partner to make a choice based on all the facts. It should be revealed before any sexual contact is involved.
  • ethan...
    --

    ethans_momma06

    November 26, 2012 at 8:42 PM

    Yes, she absolutely should have told him. After a large betrayal like that, I'd say that it's not shocking that he is seeking a divorce, and not simply because she's transgendered.

    I understand that there are serious fears of being revealed from a transgender person, but... why are you marrying a person you don't think could accept that? Why are you marrying a person that you feel you have to hide from? And how could we expect anyone to not freak out after having that sprung on them like that?

    I doubt he will have a problem being granted an anullment.


  • Siren...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Sirena Robinson

    November 26, 2012 at 9:53 PM

    First, the article doesn't say who got violent. For all we know, she hit him! Second, he ABSOLUTELY has EVERY right to know about her transgendered status. People who are transgendered deserve respect, and they deserve acceptance, but they also have to respect the right of many people who do not want to be intimate with them. I don't have a problem with sexual assignment surgery, but I would not want to marry a man who had once been a woman. Call me a bigot, call me antifeminist, call me an asshole, whatever. But I have a sneaking suspicion I speak for the majority of the human race. But just because I wouldn't want to have sex with a transgendered person doesn't mean I don't think they have all the same rights as I do, because they do. But just as it is their right to have the surgery, it is my right to know whether my partner is a male or female on a genetic level.


  • cmjaz
    --

    cmjaz

    November 26, 2012 at 10:14 PM
    Its just so typical for the 'activists' in the comments to throw the word 'bigot' arournd. This is about a woman that hid the first half of her life from her husband. A major secret. I would not be forgiving of a spouse that hid that or anything major like it, from me. Its called honesty and trust and she had neither. She's deceitful and a mean person to marry someone and not discuss it with him or her first. What if he was in prison for murder for 10 years and never told her? Don't think that would be a dealbreaker?
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