In Wake of Romney Big Bird Debacle, Oscar Turns His Can Into a Meth Lab

If you caught last week’s presidential debate or, better yet, if you've seen the new Obama ad, which claims, "Mitt Romney knows it's not Wall Street you have to worry about, it's Sesame Street," then you're aware that poor Big Bird has been dragged into a political melee.

Frankly, when Romney mentioned the big yellow guy, I was shocked, but after watching the Obama approved ad sarcastically refer to B.B. as, "Big, Yellow ... A Menace to Society," I was left asking, "Did that really happen?"

So, as the rest of the nation discusses their stance on health care, defense, and gay marriage, I'd like to explore the most important issue to hit the debate floor: Why Sesame Street must receive government subsidization.

But be warned, the picture I'm about to paint will not be a pretty one -- if you're put off by mangled Muppet parts and monster rehab, I suggest you choose to read less serious subject matter.


Still here?


Sesame Street has been one of the few multicultural, multigenerational inner city neighborhoods where man, monster, and Muppet have lived together peacefully for over 40 years -- that's one, two, three, four decades. Four decades, ah ah ah.

But, if the Street doesn’t get its due, I fear it may start to resemble other forgotten inner city dwellings and then we'll, tragically, see these types of news stories ...

  • Muppets frantically loot Mr. Hooper’s store for cigarette cartons to trade and sell on eBay.
  • Guy Smiley is heard commenting, “Not since Katy Perry’s visit has the Street been in such a state of anarchy,” then he’s arrested for sending her pictures of his penis on Twitter.
  • A recent "One of These Things Is Not Like the Others" included three kids that were bruised and shoeless, and one kid carrying three new pairs of high tops.
  • Bert makes Elmo “tickle him” in a back alley in return for fish food, while Elmo chants over and over, “Elmo will do anything to keep his best friend Dorothy alive.”
  • Upon hearing about Bert’s back alley escapades -- Ernie uses his rubber ducky to kill off the local pigeon population.
  • The Count is caught canoodling with known trampire K-Stew in the front seat of his car.
  • The blue Muppet gang is caught smoking crack. Cookie Monster is heard saying, “C isn't just for Cookie,” when confronted about it by Mr. Noodle’s brother, Mr. Noodle.
  • Oscar the Grouch turns his trashcan into a meth lab after some local gang monsters cut his pet worm, Slimy, to see if he would regenerate ... he did not.
  • Zoe still loves to dance, though she's traded her ballet barre for a stripper pole, and now works at a club for Furverts. She was last seen having a threesome with a guy from Avenue Q and the San Diego Chicken.

Sure, we all knew the fate of Cookie Monster was unavoidable, he’s never been shy about his addictive personality, but I think we can agree that the other stories would be pretty disturbing.

Politicians, see what your innocent cuts will surely do? Can we please remove Big Bird from your political agendas and pick on someone your own size?

Image via OfficerPhil/Flickr

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