big birdGood morning everyone! Greetings from Mitt Romney's campaign headquarters where we are gloating over last night's very clear debate victory over President Barack Obama ... got him strapped to the roof of Mitt's Bentley. Oh, wait, no that's Jimmy Lehrer. Anyhoo, today is looking very bright, very bright indeed.

Mitt left the debate on such a high note, we've decided to make a few changes to our campaign, as follows.

First, we're changing our campaign slogan from "Believe in America" to "Don't Believe in Snuffleupagus."

More from The Stir: Big Bird, Jim Lehrer, and More in Our Post-Debate Google Hangout! (VIDEO)

Next, we're making our new Sesame Street platform a little clearer. For all of you who wanted details, here they are. If Mitt is elected:

  • Ernie & Bert will no longer be allowed to cohabit.
  • Miss Piggy, and other sluts like her, will no longer have access to birth control.
  • There will be no more of this "sharing" shit. More cookies for Cookie Monster!
  • Those weird freaky Muppets of different colors will be immediately deported. Does anyone even know their names? Elmo's gone too -- clearly, English is his second language.
  • Oscar the Grouch? Oh, I don't care about him. He's just one of those 47 percent of Muppets who don't take personal responsibility for themselves. Never mind a shower.

And finally, we'd like to introduce you to our campaign's new theme song. Here's Governor Mitt Romney, who will sing it for you.

Help Me Get Rid of Sesame Street (sing to the tune of Sesame Street)

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the poor away
On my way to where the wealthy meet

Can you help me get rid of,
Help me get rid of Sesame Street

Come and pray
Life will be A-OK
Wealthy neighbors there
That's where the Rich meet

Can you help me get rid of
Help me get rid of Sesame Street

It's a black stretch limo ride
Every door will open wide
To Wealthy people like you --
Wealthy people like you
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' moms & kids away
On my way to where the wealthy meet

Can you help me get rid of,
Help me get rid of
Sesame Street ...
Help me get rid of Sesame Street

 

Everybody Sing!


Image via EvelynGiggle/Flickr