NFL Player Chris Kluwe's Amazeballs Letter to Anti-Gay Politician: The 6 Juiciest Zingers

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Chris Kluwe Minnesota VikingsForget Bill Clinton. Barack Obama who? Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe just wrote a "speech" about free speech and equal rights that everyone's talking about and no one will ever forget. And, um, he frickin' nailed it. He wrote to a politician, but in it, he's talking to the folks. In the language of the people, including dozens of delicious (and necessary) crude lines straight out of the college-educated locker room, he lets a Maryland politician have it.

Here's the background. Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo recently spoke out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Then Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote a letter to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." Well, Mr. Kluwe just didn't think that was right. So he commenced in ripping Burns a new one.

Chris Kluwe's response to Burns starts out like this:

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level.  

Damn, right? Kluwe makes some solid arguments throughout and he is a MASTER at breaking it down. You can read Chris Kuwe's full letter over at Deadspin but let's take at look at the juiciest, grittiest zingers.

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1. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain.

2. It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech.

3. I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

4. How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" 

5. I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population ... 

6. In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. 

And wait until you see his closing postscript.

Man, if there are more football players out there who can construct an argument so colorfully, I say get 'em off the field and up to the mic.

After reading Kluwe's letter, do you think football players should speak out like this more? Or less?

 

Image via Getty

football, nfl, human rights, marriage equality

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bills... billsfan1104

Maryland State Delegate DEMOCRAT Emmitt C Burns Jr. Say it Sheri.

nonmember avatar Jess

@billsfan: so what if Burns is a democrat? You republicans/conservatives are always going on and on about how you all don't share the same beliefs and values, the same goes for us dems/liberals. And to chastise us all for not shrieking about the language and insults that happen across party lines is ridiculous. I, for one, don't agree with name calling and foul language no matter what the issue, or whom the language is being directed at. Maybe you, and a lot of the others commenting, should slow down and stop lumping every democrat/liberal into the same "pro-homo, pro-baby killing, pro-welfare, pro-promiscuity" category.

On another note, I'd like some one to explain to me why gay marriage is such a bad and scary thing. How are gays being allowed to marry going to undermine traditional family values?

Hocke... HockeyMomNJ

If he came out against gay marriage, how many people would be defending his free speech rights?

nonmember avatar kevobx

Love truth, hate opinions. Or do you love money, by embracing lies. God is the minority, (Elijah) - Satan is the majority (450 prophets). What was Abraham doing at the age of ninety nine?

Dana E Armstrong

Good grief billsfan, you have Aiken, Ryan, Rush, Beck, Palin, Bachman, etc etc etc........yes this fool is a DEMOCRAT, are you happy now?  Every article I've read has stated this man is a democrat.   But if you're so intent on keeping score, do we really need to do the math for homophobic statements, GOP vs DEM?  I don't understand why you're all not buying Minnesota Viking trinkets in support of his right to free speech.  Or is it just  homophobes and the GOP to be praised for it?

David Winger

LOOK if you're really going to dismiss the importance of his message because of his profanity, just read his censored version instead... http://blogs.twincities.com/outofbounds/2012/09/08/out-of-bounds-blog-no-8-inquisitive-kitten-pawing-at-yarn/

bills... billsfan1104

Dana, who the hell said anything about suppressing someones free speech? Never said that. In fact, if you read what I said, I said what this politician said is wrong on so many levels. What I did say was that this football player could of got his point across without all the swearing and degrading another person.

Your post proves that you did not read one single thing that I posted, because if you did, you would understand why I am pointing out that it was a democrat. I was pointing out the ongoing hypocrisy on this website. If it was a republican that talked to the NFL and offered that advice, we wouldn't hear the end of it. The fact the Sheri omitted that he was a democrat proves my point.

bills... billsfan1104

David, noone is dismissing anything. He could of made his point known, without the cursing and calling the delegate names. All this author did was focus on the hate of the letter and the cursing and calling of names, and not on the substance of the letter. That is the point.

Dana E Armstrong

No billsfan, the hypocrisy is yours.  Any mention of a "liberal" protesting a remark by your beloved GOP and you start screaming "freedom of speech, what about MY values"  and go out and buy chicken sandwiches.  The hypocrisy is that because this man, oh my god, used "naughty" language his message is not valid.  No lines at the Vikings souvenir shop to support his right to freedom of speech, just OMG the darns liberals and their language, Bill Maher called Sarah a nasty name so we win.  Can't wait to see your support of Jenny when she puts her spin on this.

bills... billsfan1104

Not once did I say it wasnt valid. Cant you read? Please post where I said he had no right to write the letter. In fact, if you truly read what I said, I said he had every right to write it, but he would of got further without the cursing. That is it.

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