NFL Player Chris Kluwe's Amazeballs Letter to Anti-Gay Politician: The 6 Juiciest Zingers

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Chris Kluwe Minnesota VikingsForget Bill Clinton. Barack Obama who? Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe just wrote a "speech" about free speech and equal rights that everyone's talking about and no one will ever forget. And, um, he frickin' nailed it. He wrote to a politician, but in it, he's talking to the folks. In the language of the people, including dozens of delicious (and necessary) crude lines straight out of the college-educated locker room, he lets a Maryland politician have it.

Here's the background. Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo recently spoke out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Then Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote a letter to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." Well, Mr. Kluwe just didn't think that was right. So he commenced in ripping Burns a new one.

Chris Kluwe's response to Burns starts out like this:

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level.  

Damn, right? Kluwe makes some solid arguments throughout and he is a MASTER at breaking it down. You can read Chris Kuwe's full letter over at Deadspin but let's take at look at the juiciest, grittiest zingers.

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1. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain.

2. It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech.

3. I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

4. How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" 

5. I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population ... 

6. In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. 

And wait until you see his closing postscript.

Man, if there are more football players out there who can construct an argument so colorfully, I say get 'em off the field and up to the mic.

After reading Kluwe's letter, do you think football players should speak out like this more? Or less?


Image via Getty

football, nfl, human rights, marriage equality


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NatAndCo NatAndCo

I know people are going to question what this letter was supposed to accomplish, and theyre going to argue that his language makes the whole thing a joke and yadda yadda yadda..... but I loved this. It may seem juvenile, but sometimes people aren't trying to influence people or change them in anyway. Sometimes its just to tell people to "shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it."

AliNo... AliNoelle

Ha! I just posted a link to this on my Facebook page :)

cmjaz cmjaz

I don't agree with him about gay marriage but completely agree with him about his First Amendment Rights. I can't believe a politician would think its ok to tell someone to shut up about their beliefs. I think the letter would be a helluv a lot better if he could've stopped himself from foul language and name calling though. That didn't help.

bills... billsfan1104

You know what.  I said this before on another post.  What he did was disrespectful.  Did he have the right to do it, of course he did.  BUt this is what turns people off. Calling people names and cursing them out is not the way to go.

And as I said before, all of you cheering this letter and patting him on the back, have no right ever to bitch and moan, when the president or any liberal politician, or liberal woman is called a slut or demeaned in the same way this football player did. 


NatAndCo NatAndCo

We have every right, billsfan. It seems to me you missed one of the points of his letter.

bills... billsfan1104

NatandCo, you missed my point.  Liberal scream tolerance and civilitiy for their own.  But the minute that someone disagrees with them, the throw that out the door.  I think what this politician did was wrong, he should never ever silence any American, but it doesnt have to be met with him being degraded and called names and cursed out.  My point is if you are going to scream civility and tolerance, then you should practice it as well.  If you dont, then you have no right to bitch and complain when someone does it to you.  I hope I made it a little more clear.  I am so not good on putting thoughts to paper.  My sister is better at that.

Pinkmani Pinkmani

What he said was wrong, there's a classy way to tell people off and that wasn't it. 

But then again, I read the comments that some people post and they talk to the same to each other...

That must be one awkward locker room.

nonmember avatar Jeff B.

We can all agree, Chris's argument could have been made more tactfully. However, let's not all get lost on his language.

Bottom line:
A political official does not have the right to use the power of their office to try to selectively squelch feee speech of citizens in any way. Delegate Burns could have easily wrote an op-ed in the local paper stating his position against gay marriage. Instead, he decide to try to use his office to contact the employer of someone who disagreed with him.

Forget Chris's language.
Forget your opinion about gay marriage.

Bottom line, a football player or any employee should hav ethe right to express their personal views off the field - heck, Teebow can express his religious views on the field just fine! :)

The day I write a letter to a newspaper or protest something in front of our local town hall, and one of the town's officials writes my employer to try to stop me - is the start of the day we begin as Americans to lose our right to free speech, the Fuirst Amendment...our freedom.

bills... billsfan1104

Pink, kinda reminds me of my ex. He is a chef and he and his coworkers cuss and slam each other like that.

nonmember avatar Bill

If a man went up to Burns and told him he should keep his black mouth shut, would he try to start a civil discourse? No, he'd rightly tell the racist off. People like this are entrenched in a way of thinking that is beyond illogical, and rooted in hate, not any fixable ignorance. Sometimes the only thing you can (and should) do, is tell them where to shove it.

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