Barack Obama’s Mythical DNC Speech Makes Me Want a Unicorn

obama dnc speechPresident Barack Obama accepted his party’s nomination to run for reelection at the Democratic National Convention. Then he promised America pet unicorns, leprechaun servants, and monkey butlers, if only we please (please!) vote for him again.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain while 23 million people are out of work, the national debt has passed $16 trillion, and one in seven Americans are on food stamps. 

Okay, maybe Obama didn’t promise us mythical creatures to do our bidding, but he sure as heck offered up quite a few myths. Like free heath care for everyone! Free college for everyone! No more oppression for women! No jobs being shipped overseas! Happy happy joy joy!


The Free Health Care Myth
The truth is that health care is neither a right nor a privilege; it’s a service. I know it’s shocking, but doctors don’t want to work for free any more than anyone else. What if we all expected our mechanics to work for free? This is the real world, and part of living here is paying for things that we receive.

The Free College Myth
Same problem as with health care: There’s no such thing as a free lunch. If you receive a good or service (like medical care or a college education), someone provided it to you. If you didn’t pay for it, someone else did. There’s only so much a doctor or a professor can do for free. They have their own bills to pay. I’ll say it again, because it can’t be said enough: If you didn’t pay for it, someone else did.

The Oppressed Women Myth
I have never, ever, not even once, been denied access to health care because I’m a woman. Since I’ve started using it a decade ago, birth control has never been banned. So long as I’ve been willing to pay my bills, I’ve been seen by whatever doctor I wanted to see. Silly doctors, wanting to be paid. It’s not like we have programs that allow poor people to receive health care ... oh wait, Medicaid. Never mind.

But -- glass ceiling! Women deserve equal pay! Newsflash: If women deserve equal pay to men, they’ll see their paychecks cut. Because when all things equal are considered, it’s actually women that make more than men. Unless they work for Barack Obama, because he pays his female staffers 18 percent less than their male counterparts.

The Overseas Jobs Myth
The president referenced several times that Mitt Romney sent jobs overseas, rather than employ Americans on U.S. soil. Then he said Mitt had no foreign policy experience, which made me giggle, because with all the jobs he’s supposedly sent overseas, you’d think he’d be a foreign policy expert.

Obama also failed to mention that he’s sent more jobs overseas than Romney ever has. But math is hard, so maybe Obama decided to give himself an incomplete. It’s happened before.

The Bottom Line
Obama delivered a speech full of platitudes and nice ideas. If he can get my unicorn to me by November 6, I might even consider voting for him.


Image via Alex Wong/Getty

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