News & Views

It's a sad day when our dreams of aquatic apes are squashed, but we'll just have to figure out how to live in a world in which mermaids do not exist. It was fun there, for a second, believing Animal Planet's take on the half-humanish, half-fishish creature that evolved when some apes took to the sea rather than to the land, but our government would like us to know that that's just not true. Two federal bodies, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association and the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, which oversees the Department of Homeland Security, released explicit statements that said, sadly, mermaids are fake fake fake fake and oh yeah they're fake.

But! The government doth protest too much, methinks.

Since when did N.O.A.A. and the Department of Homeland Security get involved with what is, at best, a rumor about FICTIONAL SWIMMY SIREN THINGYS.

I mean, are there not enough garbage patches or Arizona state troopers to worry about? Did we really need to come down firm on the issue of mermaids? Seems to me that they're just adding fuel to the fire by denying mermaid existence so vehemently. Maybe they're just psyched to be so positive about something, or maybe they're just trying to drive traffic to NOAA's website, a fact not lost on their spokesperson who said as much in an interview.

Until I'm frolicking in the waves and a mermaid swims up and offers me a fork to comb my hair, I'm going to go ahead and assume that they don't exist. And I'd prefer that the government stay out of the fray when it comes to ridiculous rumors. What's next -- is Homeland Security going to speak out on Bigfoot sightings?

Actually, that might not be so bad.

Thoughts on mermaids, the government, and/or Bigfoot?

Photo via Klearchos Kapoutsis/Flickr