Mark Christopher MillerForget face-eating zombies. Forget lingerie-clad goat-lovers on bath salts. Forget cannibals of every shape and size. If you thought the world was a weird place last week, well, just wait'll you hear today's crazy crime news: 50-year-old Mark Christopher Miller of Florida is being accused of attacking 2 (or possibly 3) women outside his mobile home with a 4-foot sword ... and a peanut butter sandwich. Oh, and then he ate a police car.
Okay, not the ENTIRE police car. Apparently after he poked one of the women in the stomach with his sword -- the woman who happened to be 6 months pregnant, natch -- and smeared another woman's "face and chest" with his peanut butter sandwich, the cops showed up and arrested him, as one might expect law enforcement officials to do. Then on the way to the Polk County Jail, Miller did something one might not expect a law, um, breaker like Miller to do ...
He reportedly ripped out some of the patrol car's padding with his teeth. (Perhaps because his peanut butter sandwich was confiscated?) Miller was charged with aggravated assault, battery and criminal mischief.
Um, so yeah. Because I don't have the slightest idea what would drive a human being to attack some other human beings with a sword and a peanut butter sandwich, all I can think to do is guess what the next crazy crime will be. Ooh, like playing Clue! Kinda.
Okay, here we go ... my Top 3 Crazy Crime Predictions:
Miss Scarlett in the Wal-Mart Bathroom with the Package of Stale Twinkies!
Colonel Mustard in the Bail Bonds/Check-Cashing Store with the Paper Clip and the Empty Malt Liquor Bottle!
Professor Plum in the Bus Station Parking Lot with the Abandoned Shopping Cart!
Seriously, is it the apocalypse yet?!
What would you do if somebody attacked you with a peanut butter sandwich?
Image via ABC
This Hot Dad Wants to Vacuum Your Rug
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
This Hot Dad Wants to Cook You Dinner
Comments 8
Assault is not a joke. You people here at the Stir need to realize that. I hope the victims and their families don't find out about your laughter at their expense.
I'm glad everyone is alright and the woman who got smeared with peanut butter wasn't allergic to it. A lot of people are. I really don't know how I would have reacted. I may have been stabbed because I probably wouldn't have taken him seriously. I'd definitely call the police.