You've gotta love a presidential candidate who begins a speech with the line, "Gingivitis has been eroding the gum-line of this great nation for years and must be stopped." While the other candidates battle it out in the New Hampshire primaries over issues like taxes and reproductive rights, candidate Vermin Supreme runs on a platform of dental hygiene. It's about priorities, my good Americans.
Forget Romney -- Democratic contender Vermin Supreme is the candidate that should have Obama shaking in his wing tips. When a candidate appears with what looks to be a tall, black Wellington on his head and a long, gray beard on his face, I think it's pretty safe to say we're dealing with someone with supernatural powers. It's time to listen to Vermin Supreme, the "friendly fascist." And I haven't even told you about the ponies, yet.
Yes, ponies are a major part of Mr. Supreme's platform. Forget what he says in the beginning of his speech about the mandatory tooth-brushing laws or DNA gene splicing "to create a race of winged monkeys to act as tooth fairies." Mr. Supreme is actually running on a three-part program that includes job creation, lowering our dependence on foreign oil, and a pony-based economy.
Back in 2008, Vermin Supreme promised a pony for every American, and he stands by that again this year. It's the only government entitlement program Vermin supports, so this is especially good news for Libertarians and 10-year-old girls. Oh -- I should add that Vermin also wants to harness "the awesome power of zombies" for energy use. And he says, "I have no intention of keeping any promise that I have made." So there's that.
By now you are no doubt wondering, is Vermin Supreme for real? Is he insane? Is this just a wacky farce created by MOX NEWS? I say, maybe all of the above. And more! Whatever Vermin is up to here, I want more of it. He reveals what an absurd show debates and campaigns can be -- or can seem anyway. Finally, someone who truly understands voters' need for comic relief! "A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away!" Vermin claims. But time spent listening to his loony campaigning is time very well spent indeed.
What do you think about a pony-based economy?
Image via MOXNEWSd0tcom/YouTube