Everybody's getting into the holiday spirit this year, even the ol' killjoys up in the Senate. In a few weeks, thanks to Minnesota Senator Al Franken and Nebraska Senator Mike Johann, some of the boys and girls on Capitol Hill will take part in the first ever "Senate Secret Santa." The price limit for gifts is $10, and the intent is to promote bipartisan merriment. Cute! And, of course, it'll never work. After an acrimonious year of arguing over taxes and spending, and an almost-government shutdown, the Senate is going to need a lot more than 10-buck Best Buy gift cards to mend itself.
That said, though, the fact that they're having a Secret Santa is great. It's fantastic fodder for people like me, that is, who are just itching to speculate what a few of the Senators are going to buy.
Al Franken. A signed (by him) box set of Saturday Night Live and a $10 gift card for an ayurvedic spa. (He already had the box set.) Liberal Franken feels that whatever stuffy Republican he gets could use a little "healing," if you will. With this gift card, he'll include a menu of services offered at the spa, where he'll circle things like Reiki massage, which will help align energy, and a colonic, which will aid in removing any sticks that may be up people's asses.
Barbara Boxer. Birth control pills. Pro-lifer Boxer doesn't care if she gets a man or a woman, she's giving pills. In a decorative box that cost $5, of course, since she'll get the pills from Planned Parenthood with only a $5 donation. Boxer wants whatever Republican she picks to physically see that birth control pills aren't scary. They're just pills. Itty-bitty pills. In fact, if you pop all 28 of 'em out of the pack and put them in a jar, they look eerily similar to Klonopin, which everybody in the Senate knows and loves.
Joe Lieberman. Lieberman's totally gonna be the guy who goes way over the set limit, making everybody else feel like a fool. I'm thinking something along the lines of a box filled with hundred-dollar bills. Wrapped in $10 bills. Just to show he has 'em.
John McCain. John's gift will be two-fold. At first, the receiver will find a photo of McCain sitting at the desk in the Oval Office with the word "Intriguing?" scrawled across it. Then, on the back, the words "Just kidding!" and a gun underneath. Happy holidays.
John Kerry. Since McCain took Kerry's original idea of a "jokey" photograph, Kerry's going to go with a photo of his service record and all his military awards. And a $10 gift card to Starbucks.
It's going to be a hoot, the ol' Senate Secret Santa. Will it fix the Republic? Nah. But those photo-ops of all those clowns in reindeer ears and Christmas sweaters will be priceless.
Do you think a Senate Secret Santa will solve anything?
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