Last week, People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) filed a lawsuit against SeaWorld, claiming that orca whales (aka killer whales) are slaves under the 13th Amendment, and as such, should be let free.
Insert laughter here.
Seriously. That’s what they said. In a news conference, PETA’s Jeffery Kerr said, "While it may seem revolutionary, our lawsuit is based on the plain text of the 13th Amendment, which outlaws the condition of slavery.” PETA claims that gorgeous orcas like Shamu were violently captured from the sea, and they deserve to be released back into their natural habitat.
And here I always thought PETA was a left-wing organization. What’s all this talk about capturing killer whales from the sea? They were rescued, people. It’s a scary ocean out there, man. It’s all survival of the fittest and whatnot in the deep blue sea. Now Shamu lives in paradise.
It’s like a liberal’s wet dream (pun intended … get it? Ocean? Water? Never mind.) at SeaWorld for the orca that live there. Their Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) is superb, as they never have to pay for their own food. Well, they might have to SNAP at a fish or two when leaping out of the water to entertain the crowds, but really, is that work?
They have complete socialized health care. When one of them is sick, the veterinarians rush in to take care of them, and the whales never have to pay a dime. That’s good, since they lack the opposable thumbs (or any fingers or even arms) necessary to pull the checkbook or Visa out of their back pockets.
Even their penal system aligns with liberal ideology! No one is ever really ‘at fault’ for their crimes; they are victims of their circumstances. They are never locked in jail for their bad behavior, even when it results in the death of an actual another person.
PETA wants to ruin this system? WHY?? I thought PETA was for the ETHICAL treatment of animals. Why would they want to release those poor darlings back into the cruelty of nature?
The above article was written completely tongue-in-cheek, and if you can’t see the humor, I can’t help you. Animal cruelty is a real thing, and deserves our attention. I believe that by filing these types of lawsuits, PETA undermines the efforts of the many fighting against the Michael Vicks of the world that actually do abuse animals.
Image via goldberg/Flickr