Crazy Hairy Ant Invasion of U.S. Can't Be Stopped

crazy hairy antLook out!Crazy, hairy ants. Ever heard of them? If you're from Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, or Florida, you probably know what I'm talking about. The flea-sized ants that are fuzzy and out of their gosh darn minds are invading the South by the millions, and no one's really sure what to do about it. They're taking over farms and factories alike and they're nearly impossible to kill. Oh, and they breed really fast, too. Gadzooks!

So you know those ants that come in your kitchen window to eat up some of that watermelon juice you left on the counter? Or that cupcake you kept meaning to throw out? Yeah, these are like them only one billion times worse. The crazy, hairy ants move in an army. They can occupy your house in a matter of days. They can be so thick on your lawn that it looks like it's moving. And if you try to kill them? They just multiply.


Scientists have found that if you try to electrocute them to death (because I guess that's your first choice when killing millions of crazy, hairy ants?), it doesn't work. The ant that's been fried releases chemical messages to his ant brothers and sisters saying, "Guys. I've been electrocuted. Let's find out whoever did this and take them down. Also: Make babies. We're going to need reinforcement."

So clearly, electrocution isn't the way to go because they only multiply then plot an attack, and only certain chemicals have proven effective, and they're not cheap. Conundrum! This is one crazy, hairy situation that authorities are keeping an eye on -- the ants have already ruined acres worth of crops and have short-circuited a computer system that controls water valves twice within a 35-day period. If they get into a nuclear plant, we're all pretty much screwed.

These little assholes remind me of that strange orange goo that took over Alaska this summer. It was like an alien invasion and a horror movie plot all in one, and now we on the mainland seem to be suffering from our own terrifying attack of natural aggression. If I had my choice, I think I'd take goo over man-, plant-, and machine-eating ants, but no one asked me.

Part of me thinks this is just too conveniently timed to be true -- with Halloween right around the corner, what could be scarier than an ever-expanding army of ants that move at incredible speeds and that multiply if you try to kill them? But unfortunately, it sounds like it's really real. The millions of crazy, hairy ants are here to stay, so hide your kids, hide your wife. They coming to get you.

Have you encountered any maniacal ants?


Photo via livingonimpulse/Flickr

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