Hot Dog Eating Contest Dispute Could Change America for Good

Jeanne Sager

Joey ChestnutIt's a good week to be an American. We just celebrated our nation's birthday by watching people smush massive amounts of food in their mouth for 10 straight minutes under the guise of a hot dog eating contest. And now, thanks to competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi, we've learned that in America when someone doesn't like the way one contest is run, they just make their own and claim it counts. No need to sit on one's duff and whine necessary.

See, the Japanese native was pretty cranky when a contract dispute kept him out of the official July 4th Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. So he set up his OWN contest in Manhattan yesterday, shoving 69 dogs down his throat in front of a bunch of cameras set up to prove he really did it. That's good old American ingenuity for you!

Only problem was over on Coney Island, American Joey Chestnut swallowed 62 and collected the Nathan's prize. And now, to prove he's truly assimilated into America's "me, me, me" society, Kobayashi is claiming his 69 dogs mean he technically won the Nathan's contest. Because, ahem, he ate more than Chestnut ... across town, at his OWN "contest." And people are agreeing with him!

It's a whole new day in America. Yuppers. Just imagine what this means for us. No more silly elections wherein the person who gets the most votes becomes president? Our candidates can just set up ANOTHER vote, gather their friends 'round, and say, "Well, more of THESE people want me in office, so I'm the winner!" The Supreme Court would have a load taken off their minds, that's for sure.

And let's consider our justice system, wherein we ignore one jury's decision and call on another for a verdict that's more to our liking. Ooh, ooh, and forget all that silly high school school grading business. Our kids will be able to refuse their teachers' bright red Xs over incorrect math equations as they draft their own mathematics textbooks that suit their more creative problem solving skills. One need never take no for an answer again.

There are truly so many applications to this way of thinking that it boggles the mind. And just think, if we hadn't sat down to celebrate the 4th with hot dogs, we never would have had this possibility presented to us. It's grand being an American, isn't it?

What do you think, America? Can't you see the possibilities?


Image via Hello Turkey Joe/Flickr

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