Dear Bonnie Fuller Tina Brown,
It has come to my attention that you have taken over the helm at Newsweek and that you've got really big plans for the place. Your latest issue -- with Princess Diana on the cover -- is truly inspirational. You took a woman who has been dead for 14 years and made up an entire story about what she would look like, where she would be living (the Big Apple of course!), what she would be doing (apparently lots of Botox!), and perhaps most importantly, what she would be wearing (Galliano -- the anti-Semite -- and J.Crew a la Michelle Obama!) ... if she were still alive today.
This is pure brilliance.
I've never understood why a magazine called Newsweek would waste its time having reporters write about current events or world affairs when it could simply make up stuff. It's so much more fun! My Princess Beatrice hat is off to you. It's probably great for your budget too -- you can pink-slip the majority of your fact checkers (fiction is a beautiful thing) and dump those stodgy old reporters and eager beaver young Harvard grads while you're at it.
Yup, you are taking this 78-year-old rag and bringing it back to life -- and I want to be part of your team. I've got some great ideas for upcoming cover stories. There are so many famous young people who died horrific deaths that we can exploit report on make stuff up about to make a buck. Some ideas:
1. Meet the Kennedys! Let's catch everyone up on what JFK Jr. and his lovely wife Caroline Bessette Kennedy would have been doing if they hadn't died. They'd have at least two kids by now -- we could totally computer-generate those cuties. (The girl would look like Caroline and the boy would look like John -- natch!) And there would be so much to say about Caroline's clothes and beauty routine. We could even make John a senator. Let's show him shirtless. People would eat it up.
2. Heath Ledger. Let's have him attending Matilda's wedding. We could have him hooking up with some hot chick and play up the sexual tension that would take place between him and his ex Michelle Williams. We could feature Matilda's gown and her groom and all her wedding plans. Just think of the newsstand numbers on that baby! We'd rake it in.
3. Kurt Cobain. Maybe we have him joining some kind of crazy cult and singing some peaceful New Age-y music. We've gotta get Courtney Love in there too -- Newsweek readers just love her wacky antics. But will she be in her sophisticated phase, fat and pasty, or heroin chic? I think we want her when she's wearing couture, not ripped black stockings. Then again. Crap, do you think Kurt's bald now? Oh, who cares? We can just make it all up! That's the advantage to running sensational articles about dead people and the loved ones they left behind. Who cares if we hurt Frances Bean -- that's not our problem. Wink, wink.
4. Marilyn Monroe. The number of marriages we could have her go through would be astounding. She definitely adopted like 12 kids don't you think? She'd probably have had some lipo, 'cause let's face it, she was a beautiful girl, but her full-figure just wouldn't cut it today. Ooh, maybe we could do a double issue and include John F. Kennedy. We could say that he divorced Jackie and married Marilyn. Maybe we should say she married Robert too. Now that would sell!!
Oh, Ms. Brown, the opportunities are endless. We should definitely include everything these people would have been tweeting for the past few years too. I could just go on and on. There are so many stories we could do that would be right in line with the one you so tastefully did on Princess Diana this week. Maybe we should even consider turning the magazine into a daily -- so what if the magazine is called Newsweek. It's just a name. We're dropping the news, why not drop the week too? Selling issues is what it's all about.
Have your people call my people and we'll meet at Michael's and work out all the details! I just know we could make such a successful magazine together!