Today's Flag Day? Judging by my morning Internet jog, looks like it. Who knew? Well, Happy Flag Day, guys. Or is it Merry Flag Day? Wait, what the hell is Flag Day? Hold on ...
... Okay, I'm back. Well, according to the omniscient Wikipedia, it's the day the adoption of the American flag took place. Seems like kind of a big deal, no? After all, flags are the choice decoration at every other American holiday. If there were never a Flag Day, what would we display on Fourth of July, Memorial Day, and the back of NASCAR jackets? A George Washington cameo? A photo of a smoking musket? A sketch of Abraham Lincoln's top hat? That would be heinous. Thank God for the American flag. So, why does this holiday suck so hard?
I chalk it up to bad PR. I mean, look at all the press July 4th, Labor Day, and Memorial Day get -- even Veterans' Day. Not only do we have off for these American holidays, we celebrate them hard. We stock up on raw meat, Mexican beer, and potato salad. Then we get together with friends, drink ourselves silly, blow things up, and bitch about the president. You couldn't think of a more American way to celebrate if you tried. You're missing a lot all of these crucial ingredients for a quintessential U.S. holiday, Flag Day. I suggest you hook up with a fancy New York PR lady, but here are three tips to help get you started.
- Become a non-working holiday. This is the most important thing of all. If you give people the day off work, they'll be forced to recognize you. And they'll be forever grateful.
- Implement some fireworks into your day. Americans love sparkly, shiny things. Would it kill you to set off a Roman Candle or two?
- Have a dalliance with another holiday. If there's another thing Americans love, it's a scandal. Be seen having a drink with Presidents' Day (another holiday that gives employees the day off), or grabbing a croissant with Bastille Day. You may come off as unpatriotic, but hey, people will be talking.
I will do you a solid tonight and celebrate you, Flag Day -- even though I had to spend the day at work. After dinner, I'm going to march down to the corner store and buy me a box of Rocket Pops to enjoy. But I expect next year to be different. I think you're going to go places.
Do you celebrate Flag Day?
Image via buggolo/Flickr