Sneak Peek at Sarah Palin's Emails (Sort Of)

Jacqueline Burt Cote
28

sarah palinWhew! Even though emails by Sarah Palin couldn't possibly be considered anything but very, very light reading, 24,000 pages ain't exactly what I'd call a novella. Don't worry, though -- no need to volunteer to sift through in search of the juicy stuff. We know exactly what kind of pattern Palin's correspondence is going to follow, and it looks a little something like this:

From: Sarah Palin

To: John McCain

Subject: Drill, baby, drill!

Hiya Johnny,

Now look, I know you keep sayin' you don't want to do any drillin' in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. How it's all "pristine" and "beautiful" and all that. And I'm not sayin' it's not real pretty, but don'tcha think barrels and barrels of oil that we don't have to get from foreigners would be a pretty sight? You keep worryin' and worryin' about the grumpy old polar bears and mangy gray wolves, but lemme tell ya, there's no difference between those flea-ridden nuisances and the grubby rodents ya set traps for around the house. You'll see when I take you huntin' for moose. When you've got the rifle, you're on top of the food chain, baby!

Pow, pow!

SP

From: John McCain

To: Sarah Palin

Subject: Re: Drill, baby, drill!

Oh, you can be quite the persuasive little vixen, can't you? You know hunting is my weak spot. I tell you what, you promise to make me some of your famous moose stew after our hunting trip and I might just change my mind.

JM

From: Sarah Palin

To: Bristol Palin

Subject: American History exam

Sweetheart, just wanted to tell ya I got your voicemail about how worried y'are about your mid-terms comin' up and how you don't think you're gonna remember all the facts for your American History exam. You can relax, 'cause I'm gonna tell you the secret of how I aced all my exams in high school: I wrote down all the stuff I needed to know on the palm of my hand. It's not like you'll be cheating, you just don't wanna get dinged by that liberal teacher! When in doubt, think back to the American History bedtime stories I used to tell ya when you were small. Remember the one about Paul Revere?

xoxo, Mom

From: Bristol Palin

To: Sarah Palin

Subject: Re: American History exam

Mom, you totally suck! The teacher caught me reading the notes on my hand and gave me an "F"! It's all your fault. I'm never listening to you again. You know what I'm gonna do right now? Go have unprotected sex with Levi! So there!

Bristol

From: Sarah Palin

To: PETA

Subject: Turkeys

To whom it may concern,

Let's get one thing straight, you critter-lovin' hippies: I went down to Wasilla to pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, you understand? It's not my fault the folks at the turkey farm started hackin' away at the other birds while I was still on camera. So you just stop makin' threats and sendin' rubber turkeys to my house and callin' me all kinds of names, or pretty soon it's gonna be your necks on the choppin' block! If all this ruckus over a buncha silly old gobblers isn't a liberal plot, I don't know what is.

Come on over to my house for the holidays, why don'tcha? You can see Russia from here, and that's where you belong, you dirty commies.

SP

From: PETA

To: Sarah Palin

Subject: Auto-reply Re: Turkeys

To whom it may concern will be out of the office until after the holiday. Happy Thanksgiving!

What do you expect Palin's emails to be about?


Image via David Shankbone/Flickr

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