Dear Kate Middleton: I Would Be Your Perfect Slave

Nicole Fabian-Weber
9

william and katePeople in the office over here at The Stir are starting to talk. Certain ladies, not mentioning any names (but you know who you are), think I'm obsessed with Kate Middleton and all things royal (including Pippa). And you know what? Today is the day that proves they're right.

It has recently been reported that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are in the market for a staff when they're in Londontown at their Kensington Palace digs. We're talking valet, butler, housekeeper, and (gasp) dresser! William and Kate tried for as long as they could to keep it real, but after two months of driving and dressing themselves, they realize they just can't do it alone. And I've never been more excited to apply for a job.

Here is a rough draft of my cover letter to Kate. (I want to be respectful, but let a little bit of my personality shine through, so she knows she's not working with a dolt.)

Dear Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge:

It has been brought to my attention that you and your husband, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, are in the market for a staff to assist you with the daily goings on of your surely hectic lives. I would like to submit myself for one of these positions.

A little about me: I currently work as a blogger in New York City, where my days are spent stringing words together about you, your sister, your husband, your parents, and your in-laws. Upon first glance, this may seem odd and downright creepy to you, but I assure you that it will only come in handy, as my knowledge of you is vast, if not unsettling. For instance, I currently have the numbers of your hairdresser, grocery store, and favorite shops in my phone. I also know not to dare ask you if you want someone else to do your makeup. And rightfully so. It is laughable to think any Laura Mercier counter girl could ever do a smoky eye like you. Your hair is so pretty and shiny.

I'm a quick study, have a good attitude, and am always up for a challenge. I would have no problem being woken up at 3 a.m. if you felt a sudden pang for your favorite Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Or if you just wanted to take part in a good old-fashioned gab fest. I will bring the Bon Bons. I am good like that. Some may say I lack backbone, but I like to boast that I possess an uncanny ability to be a yes woman without making it look like I'm pandering. For instance, if you ask me which dress I like better, I will always choose one and never say "both." And every once in a while, when you ask me if I think you look fat, I will say "yes," just so you don't consider me disingenuous. That's not why I'm being brought on (if you choose to bring me on, that is).

Lastly, I've never been to England. You may think this is a recipe for disaster, I think of it as a free trip. Oh, you should know, I won't be able to pay for my moving costs, but I don't have much. My queen-sized bed may be a pain to ship, but it is the only thing I am able to sleep on. And I want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for you each morning. And I'm not doubting the comfort level of the beds in Kensington Palace, it's just, you know how it is with your own bed. And I need to sleep with a fan on. I'll be up all night without the low hum of one. But I'm sure this is something we can get over there.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my letter. I'm sure you're being inundated with applicants right now, but I hope this conveys that I would be a good fit. Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Nicole Fabian-Weber

Thoughts?

 

Image via UK_repsome/Flickr

Read More