So how is your last day on earth going, America? Ready for doomsday? Judgment day? The rapture? I know I'm making the most of today, May 20, because May 21 is going to be a doozy. Oh, no, I'm not going to die tomorrow. I'm going to be first in line for the Post Rapture Looting! Yeah baby!
See, while Harold Camping and his companions are meeting the Lord, the non-believers denied an audience for our heathen ways will have our chance to get at all their goodies. I've got my strategy all lined up for the event dubbed on Facebook as the chance to "pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we're going to squat in." With close to half a million people signed up on the social networking site to attend, I realized early on that the really good stuff, the Samsung TVs, the Xbox 360 with Kinects, will be gone fast, leaving me with nothing but that Sarsurg TV and the Ybox 359 to rummage through if I don't have a good plan.
1. Get up early. This is a sprint, not a marathon, people. If you don't want to be stuck with the Wal-Mart brand junk, you need to get out of bed and grab your baseball bat (preferably aluminum for maximum damage) from beside your fuzzy bunny slippers before the cock crows.
2. Carbo load. Who cares what pancakes do to your @ss, the number of people left on earth to see you will be majorly reduced. By post-apocalyptic standards, all you'll need are teeth to be one foxy babe. Besides, you'll need the energy to tote that 52-inch screen through the streets after mass transit stops running.
3. Pack a bag. Zombie killing how-to-guide? Check. Mace? Check. Brass knuckles? Check. You can skip the time usually allotted for grooming to make sure you do a thorough packing job. Body odor and morning breath will only help you to face down your opponents in the race for the McMansion.
4. Make a wish list. Come on, money's no object here, so think BIG. A list will keep you from getting bogged down in grabbing those little Faberge eggs (because WHO are you going to pawn them to?) and keep you focused on the big, fat diamond blingy-bling!
5. Get out there. Good things do not come to those who sit around listening to REM singing about the end of the world. They land in the duffel bag of the bad@ss with the bat in hand. So get running. I'll see you out there!
Are you ready to join the looting? What's your strategy? I told you mine, so spill!
Image via futureatlas.com/Flickr