Donald Trump & His Big Bin Laden Weekend

Suzanne Murray

donald trump basketball court
Donald Trump on the sidelines
Donald Trump has made his intention to run for President in the 2012 election pretty clear. And let's be honest, he's a strong candidate.

Trump is a good, hard-working American who will make America proud and get our &$*%! gas prices down. All Barack Obama does -- when you can get him off that darn basketball court -- is lie about where he was born and how he got into Columbia and Harvard. The guy does nothing else.

Consider this past weekend.

Obama could have spent his time doing something useful -- say, digging out his college transcript and having copies dropped by helicopter over every neighborhood in America. While he was at it, he could have made some copies of that newly released "official long form birth certificate" and dropped that as well so we could scrutinize it for ourselves. (After all, who can trust the Internet?) But, as usual, the President opted to waste his time.

Perhaps Obama should have taken a cue from Donald Trump, who spent the weekend doing important, meaningful things. Things that every U.S. citizen dreams of from a man who plans to run for President of the United States. I think Trump's got the candidacy clinched. See for yourself.

Here's how President Obama's weekend went down, and what Donald Trump was doing at the time.

Friday, 8:20 a.m: Obama authorizes the helicopter raid of Osama bin Laden's compound.

Friday, 8:20 a.m.: Donald Trump busily whites out the "M-E" in "America" on Obama's long form birth certificate and uses a Sharpie to write in the letter "F." He cackles crazily to himself, as he listens to Melania practice the Pledge of Allegiance.

Saturday, 2:00 p.m.: President Obama reviews final preparations with all the officials involved in the raid.

Saturday, 2:42 p.m.: Donald Trump checks in with Miss USA pageant officials to find out what kind of slutty beauty pageant contestants he can look forward to this year.

Saturday, 3:50 p.m.: The President learns that Bin Laden was tentatively identified. 

Saturday, 5 p.m.: Trump explains once again to Melania how black people get into Harvard.

Saturday, 7:01 p.m.: The President learns that there's a high probability that the high-value target (HVT) was Osama bin Laden.

Saturday, 9 p.m.: Donald Trump calls the president of NBC and orders him to stop showing re-runs of that no-good &^%*! traitor Jerry Seinfeld.

Sunday, 9 a.m.: Trump puts on hair; gazes at self in solid-gold-trimmed mirror practicing various ways of saying, "You're Fired!"

Sunday 3:30 p.m.: Barack Obama monitors the raid in the White House Situation Room, surrounded by members of his war cabinet.

Sunday: 3:30 - 4:15 p.m.: Under authorization of the President, Navy SEALs raid Osama bin Laden's compound and shoot him in the head when he refuses to surrender.

Sunday, 8 p.m.: Donald Trump tunes in to his reality show Celebrity Apprentice, mutes the volume, and says all his lines out loud along with the TV.

Sunday, 9 p.m.: Trump re-watches his reality show Celebrity Apprentice, eyes glazed over, big smile on his face.

Sunday, 10 p.m.: The Donald relinquishes the remote to his wife Melania so she can watch her "fine" jewelry being hawked on QVC. Calls Orly Taitz to figure out how they can regroup.

Sunday, 10:30 p.m.: Trump opens fan mail from teenage Neo-Nazis, the Anti-Stutterer Society, Gary Busey, and Melania (it's part of their pre-nup).

Sunday, 11 p.m. (8 PST): Trump tunes in to the West Coast showing of Celebrity Apprentice. You can never get too much of a good thing.

Sunday, 11:35 p.m. (8:35 PST): NBC suddenly cuts away from the Celebrity Apprentice to air an important announcement from President Obama. Donald Trump's jaw drops; he hits speed dial to call the president of NBC Universal.

Sunday, 11:35 p.m.: President Obama addresses the world from the East Room and announces, "Justice has been done."

Sunday, 11:36 p.m.: Donald Trump drops several F-bombs and deflates like a balloon fart.


Image via Nick Laham/Getty

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