Deadly Cobra On Loose at Zoo, Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

Lindsay Mannering

cobraHave you by chance seen a poisonous Egyptian cobra slithering by? If so, it totally belongs to the Bronx Zoo in New York. They lost theirs this weekend and still can't find it. Their bad! So don't pick it up or anything, because it's deadly and can swallow a human baby whole.

OK, no it can't, but its venom could certainly kill you, so it's no joking matter, although I will continue to make fun of the ass-clowns at the zoo who lost a 20-inch-long killing-machine that is slippery to the touch and likes to play hide-and-seek.

Honestly. Who's the zookeeper over there, my 5-year-old cousin, Bucky? Rule number one of the World of Reptiles: keep the lid on.

As of now the zoo still can't find the adolescent snake after it was noticed missing on Friday afternoon. They say they're confident that it's contained in a non-public area of the zoo in an off-exhibit enclosure, but have shut down the World of Reptiles to visitors nonetheless.

Rule number two of the World of Reptiles: keep the lid on.

Their game plan for finding it? Waiting for it to come out from hiding and find food, of course. I don't mean to be the brains of the operation here, but why not throw some mice (or human babies, whatever it eats) into the enclosure and catch him feasting right away. I'm no snake expert, but clearly neither are they, so I think everyone's allowed to throw their idea in the hat here.

Rule number three of the World of Reptiles: keep the lid on, seriously.

Also. Have you seen the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman? Or Jurassic Park? Uh oh. What if the snake isn't missing, but was stolen. Next thing you know Patrick Dempsey is infecting everyone on a plane with a deadly snake virus, or Nedry drops the snake DNA in a creek and then our eyes start bleeding and we're either eaten alive or quarantined while waiting to die.

I hope they find the sucker soon because I'm not ready to meet our maker, Morgan Freeman. But if I'm honest, part of me hopes that he's missing for a while longer ... does anyone else think this would make a great story for Antoine Dodson to get a hold of and to make another "single"? Hide your kids, hide your wife, we gonna find you! So you can run and tell that, run and tell that, run and tell that, homesnake! Homesnake!

If this happened in your hometown zoo, would you still visit?

Photo via quantumbutterfly/Flickr

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