Dear Gilbert Gottfried: Apparently you just got fired from your decade-long gig as the annoying Aflac duck. Something about tweeting jokes about the tsunami and earthquake in Japan? Gil, here's where a traditional letter writer would tell you how sorry she is for your job loss. It's a tough economy. You've got two kids. The timing stinks.
But Gilbert, here's where I skip the niceties and tell you you're a jack*ss. Not for the tweets. Well, yes, for the tweets, but not specifically because you joked about the deaths of more than 2,400 people. Because you joked about dead people in Japan ... while working for Aflac.
Ever heard the term "don't poop where you eat"? That's what you just did Gilly old boy, dropped something foul (not to be confused with fowl) right in the midst of Aflac's money making territory. See, all it took was reading the company's annual report. Sure, it's boring. Full of numbers. Not a comedian's cup of tea. But a good employee's best friend.
Because if you'd bothered to do your homework about the company you've been working for for just about a DECADE, you'd know that the supplemental insurance company gets most of its revenue from Japan. Not some. Most. The people paying your salary are the very people who -- how did you put it? -- are "really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them."
And then there are your co-workers, you know, the other people who work for Aflac and have to listen to your ridiculous voice when they squeeze those stuffed ducks the agents hand out? About 5,000 of them live in a small country we like to call ... wait for it ... Japan! It was your fellow employees of whom you said, "What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights."
That's why your company -- or should we say your FORMER company -- donated $1.2 million to the International Red Cross this week to aid in the relief efforts. That's why you're out on your behind in the midst of a really bad economy. Because you're an idiot.
So Gilbert, you've gotten a lesson in how to be a better employee. But before we part ways, here's another one. For free, since I know you're out of work. Comedians can joke about things we regular folk can't because they're talented at making things funny. You're just talented at making a duck quack sound like a company name. Well, you were ...
Oh, was that not funny?
Image via Alan Light/Flickr