Dear Sarah Palin,
I am writing to apply for the Communications Coordinator position on your staff, which I could only assume was now open after viewing your video statement earlier today.
The opportunity to negotiate the inevitable and potentially devastating fallout from this whole blood libel nonsense and prevent you from making similarly imprudent errors in the future truly excites me.
Allow me to present my key strengths, which I believe will bring me success in this position:
First, I have vast experience framing political statements in times of crisis, and I can say with confidence: Excessive defensiveness isn't as effective as you might think. If you and I were to work together on your next video, I would perhaps suggest you at least pretend to demonstrate a certain degree of, say, remorse or humility. We could maybe even try leadership on for size -- uniting people in the face of tragedy instead of splitting them further apart can really work wonders for a person's reputation.
Second, as my resume indicates, I consider "using Wikipedia" to be one of my many skills. As your staff member, I could use this website before speeches to reduce the chance of you misappropriating such painful terms as "blood libel" to refer to yourself. This way we could avoid pissing off people on all sides of the political spectrum and drawing condemnation from the likes of J Street or the Anti-Defamation League.
Third, I hate the incessant use of metaphors and catch phrases and have learned how to get my point across without relying on them. As your communications person, I would encourage you to do the same and instead speak plainly -- using real words that carry a real message so people don't get confused and scared. This way, when a majority of the public requests toning down metaphors that employ the use of guns, targets, and violence, we can respectfully adhere to these wishes instead of accusing them of stomping all over the First Amendment. We won't feel silenced because we'll actually still have something to say.
Finally, I am skilled in the art of apology -- which was clearly the only thing that was appropriate on a day like today.
I can guarantee you will find me to be nothing if not a professional employee. I appreciate you considering me for this position.