No Pants Subway Ride 'Official' Theme Song

Sasha Brown-Worsham
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It may have been the 10th annual No Pants Subway Ride 2011 last weekend, but for most people riding the subway, it was just another day on the train. In fact, seeing 3,500 New Yorkers (and subway riders in other cities) in their skivvies is probably preferable to what the rest of us have to see on our commutes.

Judging from the photo, most of these people look OK, too. Imagine if you'd had the couple who met, decided to have sex, and film it on your train. You could also have had the subway flasher who showed way more than his underwear to women in Boston. You could even have been sitting next to a woman who was giving birth on the subway.

See, bare legs in 32 degrees is looking pretty good now, no? When I am preparing my children for anything, we often sing "The People in Your Neighborhood." So, here are the People on Your Train Ride**, mostly people my friends and I have seen:

*Warning: This song is not for children or the highly sensitive.

*(Sing in this tune.)

Who are the people on my train ride, on my train ride, on my trai-ain ride, oh who are the people on my train ride? They're the people that you meet each day:

Oh look, here's one person now. Who might he be? Let's ask him for clues:

I wear brown pants with stains on them. I sometimes put my hands down my pants. And you may mistake my riding companion as a hot dog. But it's not! Who am I?

I know who he is! He's the guy who sat across from me one day on my way home from work masturbating. Awesome.

Yes, a flasher is a person on my train ride, on my train ride, on my trai-ain ride, oh a flasher is a person on my train ride. They're the people that you meet each day:

Let's go over to another car and see if we can meet some other people far away from the flasher's car.

(Chorus)

Oh look! Here's another person now. Who might he be? Let's ask him for clues:

I am pacing frenetically back and forth and snorting some kind of white powder out of my long fingernail. I am also yelling out random expletives. Who might I be?

I know who he is! He's the guy who sat across from my sister last week snorting cocaine and hurling insults at her. Good job boys and girls!

Yes, a cokehead is a person on my train ride, on my train ride, on my trai-ain ride, oh a cokehead is a person on my train ride. They're the people that you meet each day.

(Chorus)

Now let's go to yet another car and see if we might meet some normal people. Nope! No such luck. Here's another person now:

I have 32 pamphlets of mostly contradictory religious images. I am wearing a long robe and smell like urine and am holding a sign condemning you to hell. Who am I?

Oh I know! I know! This is the religious guy who tells all subway riders that they will go to hell unless they repent and commit to wearing the same sweat-stained bathrobe he dons daily.

Yes, a whack job is a person on my train ride, on my train ride, on my trai-ain ride, oh a whack job is a person on my train ride. They're the people that you meet each day:

Maybe we should take the bus?

Did you ever see weirdos on the train?


Images via Facebook; Facebook

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