The release of Elizabeth Edwards' will today puts a capper on a traumatic holiday season, but even dead we'd put Elizabeth up against her philandering no-good ex-husband John Edwards any day. She managed to deliver a Dear John letter in a will without once mentioning the rat bastard former Senator's name. That takes some chutzpah.
And did we mention she only waited until page two to kill him off? What a classy lady.
Says the will: Catharine Edwards, the couple's eldest child, is named executor of the estate. If she dies, the duties go to a woman named Barbara Weyher (a lawyer and one-time contributor to John's campaign).
What she's saying to John: I'm willing to go out of the family to find someone I trust with my money. You, buddy, are dead to me.
Says the will: "If I am the surviving parent of any child of mine who shall be a minor at the time of my death, I appoint my daughter, Catharine Elizabeth Edwards, to be the guardian of the person of any minor children."
What she's saying to John: The sooner you're gone, the sooner Cate can have the kids. Don't let the doorknob hit you in the behind on your way to hell.
Says the will: All furnishings, jewelry, china, automobiles, silverware etc. will be split among her living kids.
What she's saying to John: You're not having sex with that slut on my couch. Or in my car. Or while eating strawberries off of my silverware.
Says the will: The inheritance of minor children may be given to the adult with whom they're residing, but said guardian must listen to the executor of the will regarding said property.
What she's saying to John: I'm watching you MF-er. Yeah, you. There will be no borrowing my stuff from the kids (see above -- no sleeping with that slut on my couch, etc.).
Says the will: The executor has absolute power and no one has the right to question her judgement.
What she's saying to John: She may be your daughter too, but don't even think about messing with her.
Image via Tony the Misfit/Flickr