Festivus is about a lot of things -- Seinfeld, a meal together with family, a holiday that requires no religion and an aluminum pole -- but nothing defines the holiday so much as the airing of the grievances. Or as George Costanza's father once said so eloquently, "I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about 'em."
This year has been a banner year for problems, both personal and global. If I celebrated Festivus at home, I would probably be airing my grievances until Sunday morning. The idea is to let everyone at the dinner know just how much they have disappointed you over the year.
It's actually a really healthy idea. Rather than the usual holiday routine of stifling anger and being forced to smile at people who make you insane, you get to tell them the truth, something few families actually manage during the year or on any other holiday.
So what are my grievances this year?
This year, these are some of my big grievances -- some are personal and others country-wide. None are particularly life-altering, but they do all annoy me. Here they are:
It has been a year of fighting back against anonymous Internet vitriol, but it has also been a year where the commenting has reached a fever pitch. Why are people so angry on the Internet? Maybe you don't realize it, but writers are real people and just because you read something that annoys you, it doesn't give you the right to blast them and say things you wouldn't have the courage to say to their faces. Also, it's wise to remember you're never as anonymous as you think you are and most of the time when you talk like a fool, the only thing people hear is your envy and misery.
Shows with too short of seasons:
Dexter, Walking Dead, Californication, and True Blood, I'm talking to you. Take a page from Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and have more shows year-round. This whole swoop in for a few weeks, addict me, and then swoop out for nine months is disjointed and depressing. I have to wait until HALLOWEEN 2011 for the next season of Walking Dead? That is a travesty! It makes me not want to watch anything ever again.
Getting rid of narcissistic personality disorder:
Just as I finally started to understand why one side of my family was so full of mentally unstable whack jobs, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (due out in 2013, and known as DSM-5) has eliminated five of the 10 personality disorders. I would love to invite those medical professionals responsible for this decision to my family's home for tea. Maybe they can explain one relative who hasn't talked about anyone beside herself since the early 1980s, thinks she is right about everything, and has a severe case of mail rage, or the other relative who told me my dead mother was in hell for converting to Judaism (but she is praying for her, so we've got that!). Alas, now I have no name for their particular brand of Totally Out of Their Skulls.
For so many, many reasons, I hate the TSA, but this year was a banner year. Between molesting young children, harassing breastfeeding moms, forcing cancer patients to reveal their scars, and grabbing my father's crotch in a crowded airplane after we had flown 11 hours from Tel Aviv, I'd say these jerks deserve top 5 billing on my list of grievances.
What are your grievances?
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