5 Gifts for the Leftie Kook

Sasha Brown-Worsham
Politics & Views
4

If you have someone on your Christmas list who is probably offended that I just said "Christmas" instead of "holiday," then you may have yourself a merry little leftie kook you need to buy for. Never fear. They are easy enough to buy for once you get a few basic things down:

Here are some equations to remember: Socialism = Good. Capitalism = Bad. Pot/Gay marriage = Legal. Guns = Not. Peace = Groovy. Imperialism = Total buzzkill.

Most lefties will eschew gifts on principle. After all, there are starving children in Africa who are neither allowed to recycle nor divest from Israel, but hey! There are still gifts to be given as long as they properly reflect their stances. Or get them high. You know, one or the other.

Here are five gifts for the leftie kook who made his bizarre, long-haired, hippy, patchouli-scented way onto your Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Christmas/Festivus list:

A Che Guevera messenger bag: $34.99

For the man who wants everyone to know what a revolutionary he is even when he's just updating his Facebook status, there is this bag, fit for a computer (a Mac, natch). This bag says: "I probably don't know much about Che, but he definitely, like, helped make Cuba the successful, prospering place it is today (plus he probably got laid a lot.)" Give it to him with a shrug, but do include a gift receipt, just in case he plans to try to return it to a head shop in exchange for rolling papers.

A trio of rabbits: $60

Somewhere in the world, likely a place the leftie has not been, someone is hungry. This gift will allow the leftie to participate in farming in a community thousands of miles away, which he can then share on Facebook under the heading, "We should all be as giving and passionate about the world."

Noam Chomsky reader: $13.46

The leftie totally wants everyone to think he reads Chomsky even if the truth is a little bit more like he once saw a YouTube video that he only watched half of because he was totally stoned. Now he can read this. It's a bit like the CliffsNotes version of everyone's favorite critic of American foreign policy. This book will allow your patchouli-scented friend to quote him like he's read him!

Collection of bumper stickers: $2 apiece

Now, it's likely that the super leftie didn't vote, and if he did vote, he likely voted for some candidate who has no chance because, dude, he's a rebel. But not voting doesn't stop the leftie from caring enough to put a sticker on his environmentally sound car! So help him out with a bumper sticker that helps spread his basic message of slactivism and ending corporate greed by living in his parents' basement and not having a job. Viva la revolution!

Hemp guitar strap: $59.99

Since the leftie probably plays music and thinks he is totally going to make it big, you might want to get him this hemp guitar strap. We would never condone actual marijuana smoking, but as we all know the only reason the world is not at peace and cancer is not eradicated and anyone is starving is because hemp is not legal. It's totally strong, you know. That said, make sure your favorite little Howard Zinn-lover carries his guitar with this baby, made of the strongest fiber on earth.

 

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