Christine O'Donnell Book Deal: How-Tos From a Non-Masturbating, Homophobic Witch

Jeanne Sager

Christine O'DonnellWho didn't see this one coming? Failed Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell has signed a book deal with St. Martin's Press. Don't be bitter, America, this is good news.

After all, she's not a witch. She's you. And if she can get money out of eight months running for Senate in one of the nation's smallest states, becoming a punchline, and losing an election, you can sell your story too.

Of course, you'll have to come up with humdingers like these to fill the pages. It will make the writing go a lot faster:

How to Come to Terms With the Fact That God Hates You:

Speaking on behalf of her group SALT (Savior's Alliance for Lifting the Truth), O'Donnell told MTV back in the '90s that sexuality is God-given, and masturbation is part of sexuality. But wait a minute, didn't she also say masturbation is lustful, and that's a sin? Why, yes, she did.

Look for her book to expand on how God gave man sexuality because He hates us and loves us all at the same time.

How to Not Be a Witch in 8 Easy Steps:

Date a witch. Have midnight picnics with said witch. Do so on a satanic altar. Make sure said satanic altar has blood on it. Say, "I was a witch" on TV. Deny. Deny. Deny.

See? Not a witch!

Expect more in the book on other things she isn't. Examples: Sarah Palin, someone Delaware residents want representing them, sane ...

How to Ask Not What This Country Can Do for the Gays but Why the Gays Hate America:

She got in bed with the ex-gay movement, announcing via her work with SALT that gays can be cured of their deviant sexual orientation through therapy. Then she paraded out one of her SALT employees as a successful convert to the straight lifestyle. Unfortunately, he says he's still gay. And so is O'Donnell's sister.

So did she order up so more therapy and help them out of that deviancy? Nah, she blamed them for "attacking the very center of what is America -- freedom to have different views."

Expect her book to explain how it's OK to attack gays on behalf of American freedoms but not OK for them to ask America for silly civil rights.

How to Run for Office With No Knowledge of the Bill of Rights and Other Useless Knowledge:

Who knew the first amendment says there should be a separation of church and state? Not Christine O'Donnell! And look how far she got? All the way to the Republican candidate for the Vice President's former seat.

Heck, run the whole Constitution. That should take up a few pages, right?

What do you want to see in the book?

Image via Christine O'Donnell for US Senate/Facebook

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