We know Anna Chapman is a spy. We know she is hot. We know her homeland is as in love with her as we are. Maybe even more so. Maybe even to extreme levels. So much so that Russia is going to kill someone for her.
I know! It's the story that never ceases to get even more fantastical! Every time I think we've written about Anna for the last time, something even more scintillating happens!
Last month we had Anna Chapman posing without clothes, today we have a hired assassin stalking the earth to defend her honor. The Kremlin says it knows the name and whereabouts of the traitor who led to the arrest of Anna and 9 other spies living under cover in America this summer, and now it's time for him to pay the price.
That's right. Shlllllltttt [me drawing finger across my neck].
The poor dude's name is Colonel Shcherbakov, an officer of Russia's foreign intelligence service who controlled the ring of sleeper agents, including Chapman. Shortly before the arrest of Chapman and her crew, Shcherbakov fled Russia and is apparently living somewhere in the U.S.
Which only means we have even MORE Anna Chapman news to look forward to in the months ahead. You know, when the body is discovered. Until then, we can only speculate on what James Bond type of gadget might be used. The Russians are pretty creative in this regard. You can expect that it won't be with a simple gunshot to the head -- if you consider some of the other infamous hits on turncoats of decades past.
For one, the source from the Kremlin who leaked the recent plan to a Russian newspaper actually used the phrase Mercader: "You can have no doubt -- a Mercader has already been sent after him (referring to Anna's betrayer)."
Ramon Mercader was the Spanish Communist turned Soviet agent who was sent to kill idealist Leon Trotsky in Mexico in 1940. The murder weapon? An icepick. Yup, he pretended to be a supporter of his ideas, then went all Sharon Stone on him in his library one day. He went to jail for the crime.
As the decades passed, quieter weapons that involved some degree of long-term suffering seemed to pick up favor.
In 1978, another traitor died after a poison pellet was fired into his leg from the tip of an umbrella. And in 2006, a former KGB agent was poisoned with radioactive polonium. He suffered a violent illness and hospitalization before dying three weeks later.
Lord only knows what advances they've made in assassination technology in the last 15 years. Perhaps it will be an exploding iPod. Maybe they will torture him first, submitting him to several days straight of Real Housewives marathons. The possibilities are endless. Good luck, comrade. Stay tuned.
Image via indy_slug/Flickr