Without much preamble and hardly any ado, I present to you 50 dumb quotes from those on the left side of the aisle. From crazy ideas about toilet paper usage to freak-outs over balloons, this list will make you laugh and shake your head in disbelief (and maybe even vote Republican in November?).
1. Sheryl Crow on Environmentalism: "I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.'"
2. Joe Biden on culturalism: "In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
3. Whoopi Goldberg on 43-year-old Roman Polanski raping and sodomizing a 13-year-old girl: "I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and [sic] when they let him out he was like "You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left."
5. John Conyers on the Health Care Bill, which he voted for: "I love these members, they get up and say, ‘Read the bill ... What good is reading the bill if it's a thousand pages and you don't have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?'"
6. Former DNC Chairman Donald Fowler on possible delay of RNC convention due to Hurricane Gustav: "Plus they think the hurricane's going to hit (starts laughing) New Orleans about the time they start. The timing, at least it appears now, that it'll be there Monday. That just demonstrates God's on our side"
7. Barack Obama: "I've now been in 57 states? I think one left to go?"
8. John Kerry on the troops: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
9. Howard Dean: "We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds."
10. Rosie O'Donnell: "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."
11. Al Gore: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
12. Congressman Hank Johnson on Guam: "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize,"
13. Alan Grayson on Health Care: "The Republican health care plan: don't get sick ... The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick ... This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"
14. Nancy Pelosi on the economy: "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs."
16. Wanda Sykes: "I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight ... Rush Limbaugh -- I hope the country fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs."
17. Bill Clinton on ordinary Americans: "African Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do."
18. Barack Obama on a tornado that killed twelve people: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died - an entire town destroyed"
19. Harry Reid on Iraq: "This war is lost and the surge is not accomplishing anything."
20. Kanye West: "George Bush doesn't care about black people."
21. Joe Biden on the economy: "The number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S."
22. Bill Maher on Christianity: "I think religion is a neurological disorder.
23. Joe Biden on History: "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened."
24. Ted Rall: "Over time, however, the endless war in Iraq began to play a role in natural selection. Only idiots signed up; only idiots died. Back home, the average I.Q. soared."
25. Michael Moore on terrorism: "There is no terrorist threat. Yes, there have been horrific acts of terrorism and, yes, there will be acts of terrorism again. But that doesn't mean that there's some kind of massive terrorist threat."
26. Henry Waxman on Environmentalism: "We're seeing the reality of a lot of the North Pole starting to evaporate, and we could get to a tipping point. Because if it evaporates to a certain point - they have lanes now where ships can go that couldn't ever sail through before. And if it gets to a point where it evaporates too much, there's a lot of tundra that's being held down by that ice cap."
27. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
28. California Senator Barbara Boxer: "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
29. Wesley Bolin, former governor of Arizona: "We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
30. Senator Chris Dodd, while on the campaign trail: "Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again" Sen. Chris Dodd, on the campaign trail.
31. Melissa Lafsky, Huffington Post blogger: "[Mary Jo] would have thought about arguably being a catalyst for the most successful Senate career in history ... Who knows -- maybe she'd feel it was worth it."
32. Joe Biden on the passage of the Health Care Bill: "This is a big f...ing deal!"
33. Bill Clinton: "It all depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is' is."
34. Jerry Brown, former governor of California, and current candidate for the same position: "The conventional viewpoint says we need a jobs program and we need to cut welfare. Just the opposite! We need more welfare and fewer jobs."
35. Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston: "Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons."
36. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
37. Bill Clinton: "I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her."
38. Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is, in fact, still alive: "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul."
39. Al Gore on zoology: "A zebra does not change its spots."
40. Rod Blagojevich, former governor of IL: "I'm blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up."
41. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz on the newly passed health care law: "We actually have not required in this law that you carry health insurance."
42. Congressman John Dingell on freedom: "The harsh fact of the matter is when you're passing legislation that will cover 300 million American people in different ways, it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that have to be taken to put the legislation together to control the people."
43. Former Congressman Eric Massa: "Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday."
44. Congressman Charlie Rangel on our troops: "If a young fella has an option of having a decent career or joining the army to fight in Iraq, you can bet your life that he would not be in Iraq."
45. Radio personality Ed Schultz on elections: "If I lived in Massachusetts, I'd try to vote ten times ... Yeah that's right, I'd cheat to keep these bastards out. I would. Because that's exactly what they are."
46. John Kerry on health care: "I'm going to be honest with you -- I don't know a lot about Cuba's healthcare system. Is it a government-run system?"
47. Congresswoman Maxine Waters on socialism: "Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal will be about socializing...uh, um...Would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies."
48. Senator Harry Reid on Barack Obama: "...light-skinned," and with "no negro dialect."
48. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on national security, after a man attempted to blow up a commercial airplane with a bomb in his panties: "The system worked."
49. Nancy Pelosi on legislation: "But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it."
50. Joe Biden to Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham, who is wheelchair bound: "stand up ... Chuck, stand up, Chuck, let 'em see you!"
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