Joran van der Sloot: His Lamest Confession Yet

Cynthia Dermody

joran van der slootDegenerate of the decade Joran van der Sloot confesses about as often as most people check their email. His latest show for the cameras makes you want to reach into the picture, grab him by the neck, and strangle the living daylights out of him, just like he did (supposedly) to Stephany Flores, the young woman who was found dead in van der Sloot's hotel room, the crime for which he now sits accused in a Peruvian jail.

Van der Sloot recently sat down with a reporter for the Dutch De Telegraaf in a televised interview in his cell block, reports Radar Online. He refused to talk about his court cases directly, but attempted to come across as sincere and regretful when he talked in vagaries about how "guilty" he felt, and how he promised to tell the judge "the truth" over what happened to Stephany Flores.

But he also gave some new details about Natalee Holloway.

Van der Sloot responded to some general questions about the American teenager, specifically about his recent arrest for extortion of her family over revealing the whereabouts of the girl's body.

“I wanted to get back at Natalee’s family,” the accused 23-year-old murderer said. “When they offered to pay for the girl’s location, I thought, ‘Why not?’”

I must hand this to van der Sloot: He has mastered the art of playing victim. Even with his broken English, the Dutchman manages to choose his words very carefully, coming *thisclose* to confessing something, but then pulling back or phrasing his words in just the right way as to avoid crossing that legal grey line.

But perhaps the most galling part of the interview was the part where van der Sloot asks to receive letters from the American public. Anything to get attention, the lawyer of Natalee Holloway's mother told Meredith Vieira today, "He's a pathological liar. He just can't help it."

I honestly don't know what types of letters Joran expects to receive from Americans. This was interesting. I had to stop and consider what I would say if I were to write van der Sloot in jail. It was actually pretty hard, but I think it would go something like this ...

Dear Joran,

Dude, you blew it big time. You're not a bad looking kid, even with those goofy ears and that haircut, and you've obviously mastered the art of spin so you could have had a nice political career up there in Aruba. Instead you're hanging out with serial killers and hitmen in scuzzy Peruvian jail cells. Are you seriously proud of that?

And what's up with all these confessions? Are you just bored? Is getting people to hate you even more your goal? My advice to you: Stop. Just stop. Confess for real, give these families whose lives you ruined something to find closure, and move on. But we all know you are never going to do that. So please just stop talking. You're boring. And your beard is stupid.



What would you say to Joran van der Sloot in a letter?

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