Donald Duck certainly isn't a cheery sort -- seriously, watch the cartoons; he's always grumbling about something -- but I never expected him to be a deranged pervert, grabbing a woman's breast, causing her "severe physical injury."

But that's exactly what April Magolon claims to have endured on an otherwise sunny trip to Epcot Center over two years ago. She asked for Donald's autograph, and he felt her up as an added bonus.

April? It's not really Donald. A duck can't hold a pen. Opposable thumbs, you know.

The full complaint is posted on The Smoking Gun, alleging that Donald "proceeded to grab Plaintiff, APRIL MAGOLON's breast and molest her and then made gestures making a joke indicating he had done something wrong."

"Made gestures making a joke"? The wording is so awkward it's obvious that's exactly what Magolon told her lawyer, verbatim. The complaint doesn't elaborate on what those gestures were. Did Donald shrug? Did he put his hands over his mouth? Did he make a tsk-tsk motion at himself with his index fingers? What sort of recognizable, specific body language can be exhibited by someone lumbering around in an oversized full body costume?

Magolon's complaint goes on to cite other similar cases against Disney, including one of only two documented by Snopes.com that actually went to trial. In both cases (1981 and 2004), the defendants were acquitted based on demonstrable evidence that the costumes restricted their movements such that they couldn't have possibly done what their accusers alleged. Looking at the size of Donald's costumed paws, it seems impossible that he could have purposefully grabbed anything at all, let alone a park guest's breast.

What really kills me though is the description of the damages sustained by Magolon. Thanks to Donald, she's got PTSD. Plus, she suffered a "severe shock to her entire nervous system, and other injuries the full extent of which are not yet known." Of course, all of this breast-grabbing trauma means that she can't work and she's shelling out big bucks to "effectuate a cure." Finally, top it off with a lament about her "ruined vacation." This is the sort of bullshit that gives lawyers their lousy reputation.

April Magolon, I hope the judge and jury laugh you out of court. If you wanted to make a believable case, you should have asked for Pepe Le Pew's autograph.

 

Image via The Smoking Gun