Children Don't Come with Return Policies

Close your eyes and imagine this -- you are seven-years-old. Your mother, one you have only known six months, puts you on a 15-hour flight by yourself with a bunch of strangers whose language you barely understand. You fly all day to get to a place where no one is waiting for you because no one knows you are coming. And you probably don't know this yet, but you're not even a citizen of that country anymore. You get off the plane and have to explain to yet another stranger what's just happened. You probably start to cry.

Most of us don't have too many vivid memories from when we were seven-years-old, but I have a feeling that young Artyom, aka Justin Hansen, will relive that memory for the rest of his life.

I am a mother by adoption, so you can probably guess that I have a LOT to say about Artyom, the Russian adoptee who his mother claims was threatening to burn down her house and was becoming violent.

I don't doubt any of that. All children have issues of one  kind or another -- some mild, some extremely serious. And there are some that come up more often in adopted children, like attachment issues, than in our children who come to us the "old-fashioned" way. But as I like to say, there are no "give backs" when it comes to children, no matter how they become part of our families.

My husband and I adopted our daughter from China nine years ago (yes, that's her in the photo!).  She was 12 months old at the time, and we knew there was a possibility that we would have to deal with attachment or emotional issues because she lived in an orphanage for a year. The orphanage caregivers we met seemed like nice women who genuinely cared about the babies, but there were eight of them and 100 babies to take care of everyday. With that kind of ratio, it's no surprise that some children who come out of that experience have a tough time building trust in their new parents and believing that these new people will love them and care for them and never leave them.

We hoped that wouldn't be the case but, as it turned out, we spent a long time working on attachment, bonding and trust issues with our daughter. As a somewhat typical fourth-grader today, PunditGirl is doing well now, but it never crossed our minds to put her on a plane back to China when the going got rough.

I wrote about this a few months ago when another mother, who had five biological children, adopted a sixth and then gave him up because of emotional issues and bonding problems.  I wrote then about our own experience:

We thought we were prepared. We dealt with a fabulous agency who made sure we knew that a good number of children adopted from institutions often have attachment and other emotional issues. We read. We listened. We talked. MY husband already had experience as a dad to two biological daughters. We thought we were ready.

We so weren’t.

But the thing is this -- no one is EVER ready for the parenting experience they get, whether their children are biological, adopted, foster or the result of today's myriad fertility options that may or may not result in a child that's biologically related to the ultimate parents. No one is ever really ready for a child with autism, Down syndrome, cancer, diabetes, ADHD -- no child is perfect and every parenting experience is different, yet most of us find ways to rise to the occasion and help our children the best we can.

Given what I know about international adoption, I have no doubt that young Artyom had serious emotional issues -- he was a seven-year-old living in an institution and had been placed there by an alcoholic mother. He told stories of being beaten with a broom in the orphanage (a story apparently other children from Russian orphanages have told, as well). I have no doubt that he threatened to set the family home on fire or threatened other violence, because I have heard that story before in connection with older institutionalized children who were later adopted. I have no doubt that the whole truth wasn't told by the orphanage. And I have no doubt that perhaps the family didn't get or hear the whole message from the adoption agency they used about the potential serious emotional and behavior issues a child like Artyom might have.

But there are resources. And there is help. That's what all the follow-up placement services are there for. No matter what the real situation was -- and who knows how much of the actual story we will ever know -- give-backs aren't an option.

I am sad for the other families who are waiting to adopt their children from Russia who are now in indefinite limbo as a result of this. And I'm sad for all adoptive families, including mine, who get painted with the broad brush of media judgment because families by adoption are still considered second-best in our country and scrutinized in ways that other families aren't. But most of all, I'm sad for Artyom and hope that something in his life will start to go right very soon.

Joanne Bamberger also writes the political blog, PunditMom, and is at work on a book about the increasing involvement of mothers in politics, due out this fall.

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jeann... jeannesager

I think there is a big difference between giving up your adopted child and putting him on a plane and saying "buh bye." I'm not advocating giving up your child, period, but I don't think the two situations can really be compared.

nonmember avatar PunditMom

I don't think they are two different situations. Is there ever a reason to give up a biological child? No. There was no excuse for this mother to handle the situation in this way, but a child that comes to a family through adoption is just as much that family's child as one who was born to them biologically. I know there are many who don't agree with that, but as far as I'm concerned -- and I'm pretty sure most families by adoption feel the same way -- these children are our children. Period. It's the same reason I have a problem with the current census form asking us to differentiate between bio children and adopted children. It's just one more way to allow our society to treat families by adoption differently.

Let's see when cable news starts covering bio children who are abandoned in the same way.

nonmember avatar tom winchester

I am a parent of an adopted 16 year old with RAD. I understand what this parent went through. If you do not have a child with RAD you are clueless and should shut up and listen to parents that do. Living with a RAD kid is sometimes a nighmare! You have no idea what this parent went through in the first 6 mths. with this child. I hope that you will listen to this story with a little more sympathy for this parent. Get a book on RAD and have a little more knowledge about it before you are critical.

jeann... jeannesager

But that's my point -- bio children are abandoned as well. I'm not advocating it, and with adopted relatives of my own, I find it horrifying. I agree adopted kids are part of the family -- they are no different from bio kids.
But I do think there is a vast difference between popping a kid on a plane and someone who goes out and ensures that the child is placed in a new home with a new support network. They really are two different situations. The horror to me in this is the fact that this woman was so uncaring and apparently made no provisions for the fact that this would be a tough road. Just changing a 7-year-old's name is disturbing.

nonmember avatar Laurie

I totally agree that children can't be returned. You must deal with what you get. Though my heart does go out to this single mom (at least I've heard she is single). We adopted two older children from Russia 4 years ago (ages 10 and 13 when they came). We also have a support group of many families who adopted older children from Russia. Everyone of us has huge issues to deal with and there were many things told us by the Ministry of Education in Russia about these children that we now know were not true. I have also known a few of these families who because of the severe nature of attachment issues needed to place their children in a better environment than their homes for their own protection. In our group of adoptive families I think most of us would say there are not been enough support and help from the adoption agencies. I don't think we would have made it through the first year without the families around us who were also adoptive parents and were supportive and encouraging to us. We have 6 children in all and I think we all would say that if we could do it over we would still take these two Russian children and go through the difficult, lifelong process of making us into a family.

nonmember avatar jodifur

I love this post so much. Thank you for saying everything I have been thinking.

nonmember avatar Mighty

Stigma of adopted families??? Where are you from? Every adopted family I've ever known is celebrated and treated like heroes. They get far more adulation than non-adoptive families and rightly so. Anyone can have a birth child. It takes real commitment, courage and honor to adopt. That said, without a doubt, there are no takebacks. Families have no return policies. Whether or not some disagree or contend that adoptions aren't equivalent to births is irrelevant. They're just flat out wrong. Period. End of story. Your kids are your kids from the moment you say "hello". It is what it is. Adoptive parents need to detach from the mindset of creating a happy little family and prepare themselves to save a child. If you can't do that, don't adopt.

nonmember avatar James N. Vail

We'll not get the complete story until the adopting mother is charged with child abandonment.

nonmember avatar PunditMom

Actually, my child did have RAD. So I think I have a feeling for what this parent went through. As for Mighty, I can tell you we as family by adoption have endured MANY ridiculous comments and are tried of reading many accounts that suggest, as one example, that parents by adoption should keep "trying for their own children." If that's not a second-class attitude, I don't know what is.

Julie... JulieMarsh

Great post, Joanne. A former boss of mine adopted her son from Russia, so this story struck quite a chord with me.

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