The first person I knew who paid a local florist to deliver a Christmas tree -- already decked out with gold ribbons and tinsel -- was a woman who had three kids under five and was pregnant with the fourth. “That’s awful!” I thought. Then: “What the hell is wrong with me? She’s a genius!”

Maybe in the land of Christmas specials and Precious Moments figurines, harried parents climb ladders in the bitter cold to create stunning light-sculptures around their houses. But in the real world most of us can barely figure out how to hang streamers at a birthday party. Come on. You know it’s true.

Not convinced? Read on. Before you know it you’ll be joining in on the latest Christmas-decoration trend -- sitting nestled all snug in your couch, sipping hot cocoa while you watch SOMEONE ELSE deck your halls.

I just found out that a frenemy of mine has bought a fog machine for her yearly Halloween décor-gy. Well, good for her. Meanwhile I’m replacing the zipper in my daughter’s hand-me-down Minnie Mouse hoodie and juggling bills, but who’s counting?
 
Anyway, not to be a BPP*. I’m still planning on dressing up our house for Halloween -- but doing it in a way that doesn’t stick its fangs into our bank account to drain it dry. Are you also looking for Halloween décor that doesn’t make you shriek with sticker shock?
 
The great thing about Halloween is that things can look sloppy. I mean, did you ever see a neat, pristine haunted mansion or abandoned graveyard? Cobwebs and decay rule the day. So just by virtue of being neglectful homeowners, you could have a fabulous haunted house! Hardy har. Here are some actual ideas for low-cost Halloween embellishments.

*bitter poor person

I’ve had my share of early-morning and late-night annoyances. The guy across the street from a summer place I used to frequent kept his porch light on all night, and it was like a headache-inducing beacon invading my dreams. He also mowed his lawn first thing in the morning. Thing was, he did so with his shirt off, and he was built like Andy Roddick, so all was forgiven.

Apparently Phil Ray Gage of Oklahoma does not have the same charms -- or he pushed his neighbors too far -- because he was very nearly taken away in handcuffs while mowing his lawn. His crime? Mowing too early.

Before you look, ask yourself how early is too early. 9:30 a.m.? 7:30 a.m.? How early do you think it was?

The horticultural world was rocked the other day -- nearly brought to its knees -- when it was discovered that Madonna hates hydrangeas. This sin was apparently akin to hating puppies and rainbows. Actually, I think the thing that bugged people the most was that she was ungracious and rude about it, but the fact remains that many of us were left scratching our heads at the idea that anyone could hate such a delicate bloom.

Well, Madge don’t care. The heart wants what it wants, and hers wants roses. So if you’re a real fan, you’ll get it right next time, sucka!

She says so herself on a funny little video released by her official YouTube channel. Wanna see? Go on, you know you do.

The East Coast may be in the middle of the floodpocalypse, but the South is still suffering through some of the worst drought conditions on record.

Even when there’s no shortage, saving water is just good policy. As a child, I used to watch my dad shave. Rather than running the water over his razor to rinse it, he would fill the sink with water and swish the razor through at top speed. He said that serving in the Navy taught him how precious water is. 

“Why don’tcha save some for the fish,” he’d mutter, if I was letting the tap run too long.

We could all stand to preserve a few drops this summer. Here are some tips for saving water at home. Some are strange, some are easy, and some will save you buckets of cash on your water bill, for reals.

At first glance this home looks like the classic American dream, a sunny cottage with a white picket fence. But if you take a closer peek, you'll realize that things look, well, a little miniature. That's because this house is actually a custom luxury playhouse built by La Petite Maison. Can you imagine the extravagant tea parties that take place inside? 

Take a look at the interior below. The details (like the grand staircase!) will amaze you. 

Smell that? It's the stink bug invasion. These little buggies with their backs that look like medieval shields are ready for their second attack on the Mid-Atlantic. Last year, stink bugs invaded homes up and down the eastern seaboard, hiding in cracks for warmth and feeding on crops. Last year, $37 million worth of apple crop was destroyed as well as $15 million of peach crop. This year, the stinkers have awakened from hibernation, mated, and are now ready to take on your home and garden with a renewed force that some say is going to be even stronger than last year's.

As a Virgina native, I've seen the nastiness of the stink bug war for myself. I feel like there wasn't a window in the house that didn't have at least 10 stink bugs hanging out between the screen and the glass pane. Yuck.

Here are five helpful hints to protect your home from becoming a stink bug halfway house.

The nation’s midsection is burning! I'm talking about the scorching heat wave that just won't die. I heard about it on the radio. It’s actually quite balmy and pleasant here in the city by the bay, and even a bit breezy in the late afternoons. But don’t drink the hater-ade, it won’t cool you down -- and I’m only trying to help.
 
You may be suffering, but if you think you’ve got it bad, how would you like to be buried neck-deep outside with no air conditioning? I’m talking about your poor little tomatoes. They’re in serious danger of immolation. They need you to rescue them -- now!