Tara Wood set the tone by explaining that things had already been stressful at home because her family dog was hit by a car last weekend and had to have his leg amputated. She was obviously distracted taking care of her pup, and that's when things took a turn for the absurd.

dog with cone
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

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The sh*t-show began that morning when Wood's daughter mentioned that she smelled something burning. Tara noticed it too and quickly ran around the house searching for the source of the "melting plastic" odor -- but she couldn't find it. "The smell was getting stronger and stronger but none of our smoke alarms were going off and I couldn't see smoke anywhere at all," she wrote. "I started getting panicky so I shook [my husband] Garrett awake while low key screaming, 'WAKE UP SOMETHING IS ON FIRE BUT I CANT FIND WHAT IT IS AND WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE I THINK!'"

Still groggy from sleeping, Garrett was confused about why his wife was screaming; as a result, he was moving way too slowly. "And I was like, 'BITCH SOMETHING IS BURNING IN THIS HOUSE AND THERE ARE SIX KIDS AND A HOBBLED DOG AND WE ALL NEED TO ESCAPE RIGHT NOW PUT ON YOUR PANTS AND HELP ME NOT DIE WOULD YOU?'" she wrote.

Still trying to save her family's lives and their home from going up in flames, Tara was running from room to room "like a mouse on meth" when she saw white smoke wafting out of the game room where her son Leo was playing the Wii. When she walked in, he was completely unaware of the smoke filling the room.

"I looked up and saw a sock -- one of Leo's socks -- smoldering and melting onto the bulb of the ceiling light fixture," she wrote. "So then I was all, 'OH MY GOD HOLY SH*T WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING LEO YOUR SOCK IS ABOUT TO CATCH OUR HOUSE ON FIRE WHY IN THE HELL IS YOUR STANK ASS SOCK ON THE LIGHT FIXTURE? WE COULD HAVE HAD A SOCK FIRE!'"

"Leo just sheepishly shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Sock Fire' would be a cool band name,'" she wrote. Ah, kids.

light fixture in game room
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

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Wood grabbed her daughter's doll (which she says is now melted and disfigured), stood on a chair, and used the doll to push the flaming gym sock off the light bulb and onto the floor.

burnt sock
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

After popping a Xanax and engaging in some deep breathing, Tara calmed down enough to switch her focus from fury to being grateful that her family got lucky and found the burning sock before the house burned down. However, it didn't end there.

Wood wrote that she'd just taken a sip of coffee when one of her other kids ran in to let her know that their sister Marigold was outside holding and kissing a dead squirrel. Yes, seriously. So Tara ran outside and saw that it was all true: Her little girl was excitedly cupping a baby squirrel.

He wasn't frightened and was allowing her affection because he was dead as f*ck.

Me: "Yeah, sweetheart, I like your squirrel but can Mommy please hold him? He's, ummm ... cold and I need to make him warm."

Marigold: "No. He sleepy time. I make him warm."

And then she put him IN HER SHIRT, y'all.

Jesus.

Tara tried to get creative and asked if she could hold Marigold's squirrel friend to "see how soft he is," but of course that didn't work and the child continued to cuddle the dead animal to her chest.

Marigold: "He night night. Shhhhh..."

Me: "Give me the squirrel, darling."

Marigold: "I love him."

Me: "If you let me hold the squirrel, you can have a bowl of Doritos. A big bowl! And a fudge pop!"

She's very food driven so she unrolled the squirrel from her shirt and handed him over.

After putting the squirrel's limp body in a plastic bag, Tara scrubbed Marigold down and made good on her Doritos-with-a-fudge-pop promise.

"All of this happened before 7:00 a.m.," she wrote. "And that's how life reminds you that sh*t can always be weirder so just, like, roll with it."

kid messes
Tara Wood, Writer/Facebook

Looking back, Tara now sees the humor in all that went down and wants her friends to know it's okay to laugh at what her kids put her through. "It's the best medicine. Wait, no, second best. Xanax is the first best," she added.

A Doubly Useful Dish Towel

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