18 Ways My Home After Having Children Is NOTHING Like I Imagined

LOL 7

When Mark and I moved into our home, I was obsessed with making it fabulous. I painted it myself in hip hues. I placed unread books on bookshelves and organized them by color simply for the aesthetic. I set up little vignettes on counters in groups of three to make my home seem chic, yet warm, you know, a cross between make yourself comfortable and maybe you shouldn't touch that?

Yes, one day our home would be the perfect blend of comfy/zen/chic and people would gush upon entering and then complement it with gusto and envy. (At the very least it would be clean and organized.)

HA ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.   

I'm sorry, did I do that out loud? I was just remembering what I envisioned, you know before my kids and pets ... and husband ruined, stained, chipped, wrote on, or buried (under toys) everything I owned. Oh, and I had the time or energy to care.

We all had idealistic visions (do these sound familiar):   

The Dream (these are things I imagined people would say about my home):  

"Wow, how do you manage to have such a neat contemporary yet casual feel with young kids running around?"

"Your house is like walking into a Williams-Sonoma catalog."

"Where are all the toys?"

"Are your kids home? They’re so quiet."

"Your dog is so well trained, he just brought me a seltzer with a twist."

"How do you get your grout so clean?"

"You say you decorated this yourself, but you're a damn LIAR!"

"Your house is so clean ... I'm just gonna put my baby down and let her go."  

"Have you considered sending pictures to Architectural Digest?"

 

The Reality (things people have ACTUALLY said in my home -- and my inner monologue responses):  

"Wow, it seems like you get a lot of mail." (Yeah, I'm getting around to that.)

"Did your house come with those window treatments?" (Yes, I was gonna get new ones, but those were hung and all.)

"I think there's a Lego stuck in my foot." (Better you than me.)

"Jenny, you know there's a button missing from your tufted sofa cushion." (Just don't flip it over, cuz there's none left on the other side.)

"You have a ping-pong table in your living room, that's quaint." (You know there's a pool table underneath ... wait, that might not make it better.)

"I love this piece of art, where is it from?" (Umm, my daughter -- circa kindergarten.)

"It's nice to know I'm not the only one with so much stuff." (Is it?)

"Wow, a wall radio? I haven't seen one of those in years ... does it work?" (Yes, it does. If you think that's impressive, there's one in the kitchen with a tape deck.)

"Do you happen to have a lint roller?" (Maybe my dog mauled you for the last 10 minutes, but that doesn't mean you get those precious strips of tape.)

"What a fabulous floor-plan." (Which is the equivalent of trying to fix someone up and using the word “nice” as their blind date's main selling point.)  

Look ladies, I do my best. Frankly, you should be thankful your hand didn't get stuck to the the refrigerator door, or your foot didn't get caught in a pile of laundry, which you started to sink into like quicksand, and had to be rescued from when I heard your muffled screams and saw only your fingertips waving ... because that's happened before.  

Twice.  

I think many of us Moms envisioned these perfect abodes, and like me ... they got them. My house may be filled with once nice pieces of furniture and toys busting out of the seams, but it's also filled with a ton of love -- and it is truly perfect.    

I know I got a little sappy on you there. Let me correct that, if you come over and judge my home, I'll make sure my sofa eats your watch! (That's better.)  

Spill: Does this sound familiar? Has anyone said something so judgy in your home that you wanted to steal their watch?


Image via JenEcards/TheSuburbanJungle

home life, organizing

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lacre... lacremala

Hahaha!!!  This is SO TRUE!  We top it all off with a big black lab, and seriously big dogs are dirty!  Funny!

nonmember avatar April

Really, you were going to get "knew" curtains? I understand that this is a blog site and not an academic journal. But show some respect to yourself, your employer, and your readers. Proofread.

Bridg... Bridget1981

I had someone say something so judgy that I wanted to use words I shouldn't be using around my children.  Just after my 3rd was born (my older 2 were not quite 2 & 4, only the older one potty trained) I came down with a horrible stomach bug, I was lucky I was even able to feed my older 2 children.  The baby was about 3 days old.  My father walked into the house and told me what a mess it was and that maybe I should clean up.  

wamom223 wamom223

I don't even really want to buy new furniture!!  The first dog we got sheds like crazy so we got a mini poodle because they don't shed only instead his curly hair picks up the other dogs hair.  Not only that but the mini poodle is so much work and sometimes I get wrapped up in life and he doesn't get a hair cut until he's got dreads.  I was with my man for eight yearsbefore we had a child and we were all about how our house looked and now there is barley anything hung on the walls.  My son is also possibly the messiest person on earth and this is backed up by his teachers at school.  And I regret the day we let our son talk us into fish like you wouldn't believe.  Between having a huge bedroom and a playroom I don't know why ever single monument, or fort, and giant race track has to be constructed in the middle of my tiny living room.  But you know I wouldn't have it any other way.

Katha... Katharine205

Yes!  We had bought new furniture about a year before my daughter was born, it looks like shit now.  We got her a puppy when she turned 2 that was supposed to be a medium sized dog - about 95lbs later we have this sweet, loving dog who goes apeshit anytime someone comes over and has to be so close to them that she's actually stuck underneath them while I'm trying to smack her with a rolled up magazine or spray her with a water bottle without hosing down her victim.  Every toy gets played with in the living room, usually because she still hasn't picked up the shit she left all over her floor.  Projects get started but not finished, which is why my bathroom walls are bare and the dishwasher doesn't fit completely under the countertop.  We had a lovely fish tank that my husband swore up and down he'd take care of - I finally made him get rid of it when they began to eat each other.   I never knew fancy goldfish were so canabalistic.  All of this though is nothing compared to the rolling shit heap that is my car, things keep getting brought in but nothing gets brought out...

nonmember avatar RM

I had a friend tell me once that she put her kids in black socks before they came over. (apparently our floors, aka dog hair, made their socks too dirty.) love me, love my black lab too...

wamom223 wamom223

@Katharine-Preach it!!!  Thanks for making me feel better that I refuse to buy new furniture. 

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