bieber monkeyNothing makes my day like seeing a headline like this. Justin Bieber's Pet Monkey Quarantined in Germany. There's just so much I could say about that... but if I had to focus on one thing it would be: Wait, Justin Bieber has a pet monkey?!?

Yes. You are living in a world where Justin Bieber has a monkey. It really has come to that. Mally is a 14-week-old capuchin Bieber received as a gift. Apparently while he was traveling with said monkey to Germany he failed to produce the necessary health certificate and registration papers. So Mally was taken to a shelter and Biebs has four weeks to get his papers in order and have his monkey. And touch it. And loooove it.

And now, here's Captain Obvious with an important message: Biebs is pretty much the last person who has any business owning a pet monkey. The boy can't find his shirts, for crying out loud. And he's in the middle of a meltdown. Do you give someone in the middle of a meltdown a pet monkey? No you do not!

Monkeys are cute and make great party conversation, but they're also exotic animals who require special care. I mean, what's Mally been eating all this time, spaghetti with meatballs? A monkey is no replacement for Selena Gomez. Sorry, heartbroken boy. And by the way, Mally is way too young to be separated from its mother. A monkey needs to be a year old at least.

Remember Stacee Jaxx's baboon Hey Man in Rock of Ages? Well what you didn't see in the movie was Hey Man's health records all in order. Also Hey Man was fed a species-correct diet and Stacee traveled with portable jungle gym for his baboon. Finally, part of Stacee's entourage included a veterinarian he kept on retainer (required to wear slutty doctor costume at all times, but that's just so Stacee could remember which one was the veterinarian). So that's what it takes to be a pop star with a pet primate. And like I said, I just don't think Biber's up for the task. You, sir, are no Stacee Jaxx! I hope Mally gets adopted by the right zoo.

Now is the time on The Stir where we meet the monkey.

Do you know anyone who owns a pet monkey?

 

Image via Daily Mail