An Open Letter to the Woman Who Cut Me Off in the Carpool Lane

car with family bumper sticker on it

Dear Lady Who Cut Me Off in the Carpool Lane,

Seriously? What is the matter with you? I was waiting in that line for nearly half an hour and you thought you would just sidle your way in? There's this unwritten rule about lines that says: Wait at the end when you arrive. Also, there's a rule about cutting people off that says: Don't cut off people you will see at tomorrow's PTA meeting.

Did it not dawn on you how easily I could find out who you are? It's not like you did this on the highway ... we were going to the same place. I saw your kids get into your minivan, as you were a mere five feet in front of me!

Also, you have stickers of your entire family on your back windshield (which already makes me dislike you), so it wasn't like I needed to be David Caruso to put the pieces together.


While we're on the subject, what possessed you to put such stickers on your back windshield in the first place? And why do all minivans seem to have them? Do they come with the car? Does the salesman ask you to say an oath that you will uphold the laws of minivan ownership:

"I solemnly swear to become my child's team mom, to tell everyone the benefits of owning a minivan so they join our cult, to pull my pants up at least one inch higher than is the norm, and to put stickers on my back windshield."

If I want to know what sports or hobbies your children enjoy -- or how many pets you have (including fish), I will simply ask.

Plus, I hate to tell you this, but your husband looks a bit light in the loafers. I’m not saying your marriage is a sham and you don't know it, but if that sticker is any indicator, well. I also noticed that you went to the trouble of having these stickers customized online, so that there's a name under each. That was smart, if you were looking to have one of your children kidnapped

How about you put your Social Security number across the back and we call it a day?

Also, I'm pretty sure there's a rule that if you have antlers and a nose on your minivan, you're not allowed to drive poorly, as you have a fairly easy car to spot. The same way I imagine the people who play characters at Disney World don't hold up convenience stores in costume. "Yes officer, I’m sure the robber was #4 in the lineup, Donald Duck."

Frankly, I'm not sure why anyone would dress up a piece of machinery for a holiday in the first place. You know what my car dresses as for Halloween? Nothing. It's a freakin' car.

Well, I've said my piece. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Hey, I know! Maybe tomorrow you could cut someone else off! There's a guy in a truck who has a whole arsenal of miniature guns hanging from his rearview mirror. Maybe you could cut him off and see how it goes?

What's been your biggest frustration while you were driving your kids around in the last week?


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