Mother's Day Guide

It's Mother's Day! Just kidding. It's next Sunday, the 13th, but why not be ahead of the curve this year and get prepared a little early? With all the overnight flower delivery charges and the mad dash to CVS to pick from the dregs of the Mom's Day cards, I bet you could use a little forethought this year. That's why I've put together a list of funny Mother's Day poems that are perfect for the occasion. Give one of these to your mom and she'll love you forever, even if she is still mad about the bat-meets-mailbox incident of 1994. Oops.

For the mom who "gets it":

Dear Mom,

You're the bomb.

Thanks for not raising me in a wigwam.

(though, to be honest, I could've used some more trees of palm.)

You didn't force me to pose for pics of prom,

or play with that snotty neighbor kid Tom.

I've always admired your sense of calm,

and you let me stay up til 9 to watch a sitcom,

Psst -- I'm going to miss you when you're embalmed.

(Spoiler alert -- we're totally going to embalm you and put you on the front porch at Halloween.)

For the mom who's always there:

Mom I know I owe you a big thank you,

because in a lot of ways you are my guru.

You taught me to swim, you taught me fractions,

without you, I'd be dumber than Ashton.

You're there when I need you,

my bullshit you see-through.

Don't ever change, or I'll come unglued.

For the cleaner-picker-upper mom:

Roses are red,

Windex is blue.

Thanks for keeping everything clean,

I really appreciate it.

For the art-appreciation mom:

I love that you loved all of my "art"

though I'm sure it was uglier than a pile of farts.

From pottery to painting to paper mache,

you even liked that drawing of me and Nick Lachey.

But, come on, at this point it's all older than vintage,

so I think it's time to take it down from the fridge.

Happy Mother's Day to all moms out there!

Photo via Elizabeth/Table4Five/Flickr