New Year's resolutions are boring enough when humans are making them. But this article, which actually asked celebrities what resolutions their pets would make, is even lamer. Lea Michele says her cats would resolve to stop messing with her cotton balls. Katherine Heigl says her dog would resolve to be less aggressive to strangers. Josh Duhamel says his dog would resolve to get more exercise, just like the rest of us -- yawn!
So what did I do? I'm so intrepid, I went out and interviewed the celebrity pets I think are interesting about their resolutions. Wanna hear what they said? (Actually, I didn't really do this, of course. But if I did, I think it'd go a little something like THIS:)
Reese Witherspoon’s donkey: "My New Year’s resolution is to get adopted by someone with a less pointy chin. Every time she kisses me, I flinch because I feel like Janet Leigh in the Psycho shower."
Michael Jackson’s tigers: "Well. We’re terribly sorry that Michael died, and we’re glad that Tippi Hedren had us sent to a preserve. But given that she came to tell us about Michael and hoped we’d understand via telepathy, if we’re adopted a third time, we'd like to settle with someone who’s not bat-poop crazy."
Leonardo DiCaprio’s tortoise: "I resolve to live long enough to forget my owner’s performance in The Man in the Iron Mask."
Mike Tyson’s pigeons: “No resolutions here! Everybody’s happy! Yep! All cool! No complaints! (H*E*L*P!)"
Miley Cyrus’s dog Sophie: "I resolve to be less baked. Sike! I’m-a get MORE BAKED! Woo! I love being owned by Miley Cyrus!"
Martha Stewart’s French Bulldogs: "We resolve to figure out how to add interest and sparkle to our doggy coats without resorting to glue guns or, God forbid, the dreaded bedazzler. It’s a bad thing."
Ryan Gosling’s dog George: "I resolve to invite Amy Keyishian to my house and nudge the door open when my owner is showering. Wait, I didn’t say that. Stop typing! Type what I really said!"
Taye Digg’s dog Sammy: "Same as George. Wait, what is wrong with this woman?"
If your pet could make a New Year’s resolution, what would it be?
Photo via HackBitz/Flickr