Man Discovers Secret Stashes of Cocaine in Minivan

Dangerous MinivanI’m resisting the inevitable Buying of the Minivan. Let’s face it, no matter how you try to spin it, a minivan represents the complete opposite of the dangerous, edgy, exciting life many of us thought we were going to lead.

I’m pretty sure the minivan industry engineered this latest news story to convince us otherwise: A man took his used vehicle into the shop -- one he had owned for more than a year -- to find out why the windows didn’t work properly. The answer stunned him: His door panels were packed with half a million dollars worth of cocaine.

I’m not sure what this says about me, but my first thought was: “A minivan? Cocaine? These things do not go together.”


Maybe that’s the point. If you want to be under the radar, you choose an ugly family car to move your bundles of disco-dust. But when I’m driving around a van full of kids, the constant shrieking, off-tune singing, and arguing already have my nervous system in a state of high alert. I don’t need any more excitement. I’d rather have the doors packed with, say, marijuana. Or Chardonnay.

Not that my car is packed with anything of the sort! I’m just saying -- I don’t need any help staying "up" with a carful of children. In fact, if you searched the panels of my own set of wheels for wayward substances designed to elevate my mood, here’s what I imagine you would find, if I kept it stocked with these little enhancers:

  • A CD of The Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine
  • Trader Joe’s salted caramels
  • A double shot of Blue Bottle coffee
  • A hot shower (don’t ask me how I would fit this into the panels of my minivan -- I’m just saying, this is the best eye-opener I can think of)
  • My beloved Neti Pot
  • New shoes

Know what’s really sad? A couple of years ago, I decided, in a moment of stress, to have a cigarette -- since that was always a surefire start to my day in my 20s. And it made me sick as a dog. For, like, days. So I don’t even have that to fall back on!
 Jeesh, maybe I am ready for a minivan. The non-cocaine kind.

What secret feel-good, wake-up weapon would you stash in your car?

Image via Hugo90/Flickr

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