How to Blame Mercury Retrograde for Your Thanksgiving 'Disasters'

turkeyPrepare yourselves: Mercury is going into retrograde on November 23 and isn't coming out until December 13. You know what that means, Thanksgiving will be affected. Oh yeah, and my birthday too, but only like one and a half people care about that. Anyway, Turkey Day is the 24th this year, which means that it falls right at the beginning of the odd planetary cycle that's supposed to disrupt communication and technology here on Earth. Doesn't matter if you believe in this theory or not, we can all use it to our advantage. It's the holidays after all, time to think selfishly and blame others for our shortcomings.

So just how can Mercury Retrograde ease your Thanksgiving tension?


If you're heading to the in-laws and would like to arrive after the wet shrimp gets passed around but right before the overcooked turkey hits the stained tablecloth, blame your "tardiness" on the GPS. It was messed up! It took us in the wrong direction! LOL stupid Mercury Retrograde! you'll say, and people will nod with understanding.

Or if you're hosting yet have zero intention of actually cooking that damn bird, blame an "oven failure" on the planetary disruption and have an excuse to order take-out Chinese. Ah nuts! The oven never got hot and the bird's still raw! Oh well. [Hits #2 speed dial] Ho Hing is on its way.

Not into wasting your afternoon watching those sucky Detroit Lions and those ancient announcers give away some sort of turkey leg trophy? Never fear. Mercury Retrograde is here. A "cable outage" is easily explained. I can't believe it! What a shame you can't put your hands in your pants, fall asleep with your mouth open, and sit in front of the TV. Guess that means you can help me with the dishes.

If you loathe the family phone pass-around, you know what to say caused your "lack of cell reception." Just after Dad gets off the phone with you and right before he hands it to the first of your 16 cousins who want to say hello, that phone of yours just dies. One mass email later on December 14 explaining how "sorry" you were that you couldn't talk to everyone should smooth things right over.

If only all holidays landed during Mercury Retrograde, right? The excuses would always be bountiful.


Photo via Collin Anderson/Flickr

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