Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts Are Hilarious to Us Poor, Poor Commoners

on October 19, 2011 at 9:40 PM

The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book is out and boy oh boy is it full of goodies. I do declare darling, we are in for a real treat! The editors and buyers at Neiman's have selected only the finest $2,000 high heels for us, only the plushest lambskin bags money can buy, and the most fabulous Hacker-Craft speedboat for us discerning sailors.

Oh yes my angel, The Book is simply brimming with delightful gifts that only we 0.001 percent can dream about buying this most wonderful of holiday seasons. And the boat's not even the half of it, my sweet.

I know you've had your eye on a ping pong table to put in the basement next to your pesky stack of gold bars, so allow me to direct your keen eye to this gem. But wait a minute, my Queen -- $45,000 isn't too much to spend when it's the highest quality of table tennis games one can buy, is it?

I didn't think so! This beautiful toy that your kids will ignore and your dog will use as his private lavatory is made entirely of the finest black rubber, my sweetheart. It'd make a divine addition to your basement, darling. Really and truly!

NM ping pong table
Tom Burr Table Tennis, $45,000

Oh but why stop there? You're just getting warmed up! Now that the kids are taken care of, it's time to treat yourself. You've been so busy this year, polishing your diamonds and petting your Pomeranian, you had absolutely no time to take that five-star vacation to an exotic, far off land. Fret no more my pet, here's a $75,000 yurt you can pay someone to set up in your backyard. Chandelier is included, of course. Silly you.

nm yurt
Rainier Yurts Dream Folly, $75,000

And last but not least, my love, I know how disappointed you were when the rain didn't make pretty patterns as it fell this summer. That blasted weather! Always acting under its own volition, never consulting you as it should. Well, Merry Christmas because here's a f*cking million-dollar dancing fountain for your home.

nm fountain
I'm serious, $1 millionHappiest of holidays! May all your fantasies come true.