Life-Size Barbie Dream House Will Scare the Hell Out of You

barbieAdmit it. When you were younger, you totally wanted to live in Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Not for your everyday house, for, like, your vacay house. The pink everything, the plastic plants, the complete lack of any walls in the back of the house. It totally would have been, like, the best place ever for you and Ken to get away from your stressful city life where pesky neighbors like G.I. Joe and Jem and the Holograms were always bothering you.

Then you grew up. And you realized, "Holy s**t, Barbie is one tacky broad."

"Who decorates with that much pink?" you thought. "And the fake ficus? So not feng shui. On second thought, Barbie's beach house sucks. I'm way more classy than that."

Well, I'm with you, sister. So it's a good thing neither one of us lives in the 3,500-square-foot Malibu Dream House that was just designed by Jonathan Adler. Tac-ky.

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As a tribute to Barbie's 50th birthday, Mattel unveiled the real live Malibu Dream House last weekend, and let me tell you, it's kind of unsettling. If you take a look at the interior, what with all its bubblegum pink and stripes and photos of herself (vain, much?), you can't help but think that Barbie might have some sort of arrested development.

I get that it's a beach house, so it's supposed to be a little more fun than your regular house, but Barbie's got some issues, guys. I feel like she has, like, a Michael Jackson thing going on or something. Not as bad as him, but you know what I mean.

It's time to grow up, Barbie. And time to find a new color! I understand that you like pink (we've all seen your wardrobe and, hello, your Corvette!), but maybe try just using it as an accent color -- a throw pillow here, a rug there -- instead of coating the entire house with it. Not to be rude, but it doesn't look good.

But that's not my main problem with this house, ol' girl. I don't like looking at that much pink, but I can tolerate it. My number one issue is your chandeliers. And the fact that they're made from real Barbie hair! Gross! And majorly disturbing, too. It makes me wonder: Where the hell has Skipper been all these years?

Do you think Barbie killed Skipper and used her hair for her chandeliers?

 

Image via Spigoo/Flickr

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