how you know when it's time to moveThe police were at our house again the other night. Shining their flashlights through our front windows as they knocked and yelled, "Police!" This is the fourth time (fifth time, really, since once we were on vacation and got a phone call from our landlord) the police have shown up, ready to save lives and/or arrest someone. Luckily this time it wasn't at 3 a.m., like the last time. You see, we have a ghost 911 caller in our house.

As in, a phone line connected to our house randomly dials 911. The phone company seemed very lackadaisical about figuring out what the problem was, and after deciding that, no, there wasn't a missing woman trapped underneath our house trying to let everyone know that she was still alive -- we've learned to take in stride. But initially my thought was, "We've got to move."

And if we were these people, we'd be scanning the real estate listings with fervor. Seriously, these people need to get the heck out of these houses.

  1. Matt Jillard really needs to get a new address. His police don't seem to be as benign as our police, and his house has been raided 40 times in the past 18 months, with an attempt to kick his door down on Christmas morning. Even though he was told the police have put a "marker" on his address, as they confuse it with another much more nefarious one, the raids still go on.
  2. When your house resembles a genocidal maniac, it may be time to get out before the impulse to take over the world kicks in. Plus, it's all over Twitter so nut jobs are sure to show up at your door in 5, 4, 3, 2 ...
  3. When you suddenly develop asthma and discover the walls and floors are filled with crystal meth. Run to your local real estate office. RUN.
  4. Finding a giant mouse nest inside your home might be reason enough to move. But this guy also has the benefit of finding massive holes in his fixer-upper. That's two strikes, don't wait around for a third. 
  5. There's a reason no one is happy when Snooki just moves in next door. Middle of the night smushing noises and that whole toilet clogging incident help make the cast of the Jersey Shore the least appealing neighbors in a recent poll. Time to move before you find a grenade at your door.

What's worse: Mice, Hitler, or Snooki?

 

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