5 Ways to Get Kicked Off an Airplane

five rules of air travelThere's been a lot of hubbub in the world of air travel the past few weeks. From sexual assaults to ethnic profiling, the crazy in the air has reached new heights, and the overreactions have been even crazier. (Although in fairness, you probably should warn someone if you're about to start a vigorous prayer that includes strapping anything to your head -- we're all a little jumpy these days.)

It seems you haven't really lived until you've been on a flight that was diverted due to security, or where someone was escorted off by an air marshal. But if you don't like so much excitement in your life, follow some basic rules to do your part in keeping the flight on schedule. Or rather, don't do these five things the next time you fly.


1) Practice religion. Sure there are "rules" involved in some religious rituals, but clearly once the plane is in the air, all of that freedom of religion B.S. is off the table. So stifle it, or risk scaring the crap out of someone who's never met anyone outside the four square miles in which they were born. And scaring means, you know, you're a terrorist!

2) Grope. Unless you've made a joint, mutually agreeable decision with someone that is actually on the plane with you to join the mile-high club -- keep your grubby hands to yourself.

3) Dress up. Or out. Or in any way that screams, "I'm different!" Whether it's a headscarf or a t-shirt with an offensive message, that is apparently enough to get your butt kicked into an interrogation room.

4) Assume this is a good time. Remember, flying is no longer a luxury activity. You're basically on a Greyhound in the sky and expecting any more will sorely disappoint.

5) Get loaded. If you can't handle your liquor on the ground, don't assume those miniature bottles will somehow make it easier to do so in the sky. And that may cause you to forget rules 1 through 4.

Be careful up there. There's a freaked out passenger and/or airline employee ready to condemn you just for taking an extra long poop. No, really.


Image via Eric_I_E/Flickr

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