Oh, Dyson. Like a savior sent from the heavens, you scoop up every ounce of pet hair off my couch. Like a demi-god from ancient Greece, you perform the heroic act of getting every last grain of sand out of the carpet. You pick up paper scraps and wayward dog food, fallen popcorn, and ground-in clay. And your ball, Dyson, that ball! So glorious! So easy to maneuver, I actually use you on a regular basis.
But then you went and did this.
You brought out the Dyson Groom. This seemingly innocuous vacuum attachment is clearly made by men who adore suction and also have not one iota of experience with dogs.
Dyson, it should be clear by now that my love for you knows no bounds. I extol your virtues to everyone I meet, even justifying that obscene price tag. It’s true: you never lose your suction. In fact, you are all about the suction, as Mr. Dyson reminds us (in a rather creepy-obsessive voice) with each commercial. Suction’s your game and there’s no shame in that.
But, dear, dear Dyson, you have now gone suction happy.
Did you even actually try this on a real, live dog? Most dogs can’t stand the sight of the vacuum cleaner, let alone the sound. Because, you suction gurus, dogs don’t care about suction. They don’t care about a glossy, dander-free coat. They especially don’t care that your little attachment means I wouldn’t have to clean up after a grooming session. They just care that the vacuum cleaner is roaring away near them while their hair is sucked into a tube.
In fact, it really just reminds them of this (be patient, takes a few seconds to load):
Would you try the Dyson Groom on your dog?
Image via Dyson