No one wants a vacuum for Christmas. But a vacuum chock-full of drugs? Now that’s a different story.
A woman in Wisconsin opened the vacuum her (unloving? ungrateful? terrible gift-giving?) kids got her for Christmas only to discover that stowed in the bag was $280K worth of cocaine and crystal meth. Um, thanks?
The drugs weighed a total of 4.4 pounds (!) and were likely smuggled from the vacuum’s shipping origin near Juarez, Mexico. Apparently the vacuum, or vacmule as I’m calling it, traveled into the States, made its way on to the department store floor, and all the way to this woman’s rug before anyone noticed that they were getting a contact high.
The authorities are investigating, whatever that means. But what if this woman had decided to keep the drugs? Imagine how clean her house would be, and how clean her neighbor’s house would be, and how clean her city’s houses would be. She’d be on a vacuuming tear! Vacuuming day and night, night and day. Her vacmule could have powered her into the Guinness Book of World Records for longest cleaning spree by a drugged up mom.
But this story could’ve ended up differently. It takes a lot of guts to call the cops and say, “Hey! Come check out the pounds of drugs in my house! I found it in a vacuum, I swear!” Someone a little more police-shy might have tried flushing it. Then the headline could have been, “Septic Tank in Wisconsin Woman’s Home Overflows and Spews Cocaine Sewage Into Yard, Local Wildlife Acting F-ing Insane.”
I think there’s a lesson here for all of us. Always check your vacuums for pounds of smuggled drugs, and don’t flush what you find lest you want to be responsible for coked-up birds.
Image via sporkist/Flickr