Cat Summoned for Jury Duty Is Purrfect Nonsense!

Emily Abbate

Luckily, Sal Esposito won't have to call out of work for jury duty on March 23. He won't have to think about what he's going to wear or bring reading materials to occupy him during the wait, either. He will, however, have to excuse himself to use the litter box.

Sal Esposito is a cat. The feline's owners, Guy and Anna Esposito, received a summons for the kitten after listing him on the last U.S. Census under "pet." Seems that there must have been a mix-up with the furball and his neighbors (who happen to be, you know, human). The couple attempted to disqualify their furry friend, but the request was denied. With everyone doing their best to get out of serving, I guess the courts will consider anything with a pulse these days.

If the issue isn't resolved, Anna will show up with her pet at the courthouse in March so he can perform his civic duty. She, however, will have to call out of work.

I'm confident the defense will reject Sal. No self-respecting criminal would want to put their fate into Sal's or any other feline's, er, paws, for these and many more reasons ...

1. He'll fall asleep during the opening argument. And witness testimony. And closing arguments. In fact, unless they plan on rescheduling this trial for nighttime, bring a hamster cage to the courtroom, or hide a little "nip" in the cookies, Sal's going to be in dreamland for the whole dang thing. 

2. He's schizo. Defendants pay thousands in legal fees to hire specially trained lawyers to sit in trials and try to "read" the jury and figure out which way they are leaning so they can adjust their cases appropriately. Sal, like most cats, will be impossible to figure out. One minute he'll be purring away next to the bastard who says he robbed that convenience store because his poor crippled momma couldn't make it through another day without those ciggies, next minute he'll be totally ignoring him. Oh whatever does this mean!?

3. He's unreliable. Jurors in unsequestered trials get arrested for not showing up for duty, messing up court officials' schedules. Maybe they should start summoning dogs, at least they know how to obey commands. Plus they are so damn noisy you can hear them coming, going, panting, scratching, and breathing from a mile away. Cats vanish like ghosts -- and stay gone for days or even weeks a time.

4. He'll make everyone sneeze. After hours of compelling questioning, the lawyers are finally getting down to the nitty gritty. And just as the truth comes out, so does the smell of cat dander: I saw him with the knife behind the ... the ... the ... ACHOOOO!

5. He'll make awkward bathroom choices. I'm pretty sure there's a lack of appropriate litter box facilities in most local courthouses. Seeing a kitty in the restroom may have citizens ringing up animal control. Then Sal will have his own legal troubles to worry about, the case will be down a juror, and they'll have to call a mistrial.


Should the cat have to report for jury duty?

Image via Vincent.Chen/Flickr

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