Think of Christmas. Generally, you think of a happy holiday with all of the sappy fluff that comes with it. Christmas songs, white snow, Grandma's cooking ... yadda yadda yadda.
Well, what if you added some nudity, a pile of dog poop, and a shiny pair of forceps to your fa-la-la-la-las?
Doesn't it sound absolutely magical?
No, we're not talking about making an adult film surrounding the birth of your first child in your living room. Just the concept of adding some questionable themes to the main centerpiece of this momentous yearly occasion: Your Christmas tree.
Last time I checked, Christmas ornaments are all about classic elegance and tradition. You know, the red and gold balls and "baby's first Christmas" plastic hanging frame from a few years back. Welp, not anymore. What the HELL has happened to my favorite pastime? Why on earth is dog poop an ornamental item?
Take a look at these absurd Christmas ornaments that are ruining Christmas trees everywhere.
Yule Doos Christmas Ornament (Dogbedsandmore.com, $5.95)
At first sight, this may look like a decadent chocolate chip. On second glance, you realize it's a pile of -- yup -- poo.
Season Hell Ornament (cafepress.com, $9.50)
I feel like there is no explanation necessary. Just in case you're having a hard time reading this one: "Jesus is the reason for the season! And he's also the reason you are going straight to HELL!"
Kissing Santa Ornament (zazzle.com, $16.50)
The lust in their faces, the grabbing, the passion -- it all just makes me feel awkward. I wouldn't want my mother to see this one on my tree, as well as my baby cousins.
Open Wide Ornament (cafepress.com, $9.50)
I mean, who doesn't want forceps on their Christmas tree? This is sure to be a great gag gift for your gynecologist, even if they're Jewish.
Bondage Boobs Pornament (happyendingshop.com, $19.99)
Porn continues to be expensive, even in ornament form. I'm not exactly sure what's going on here with the pearls around the neck, but it doesn't make this "pornament" any less risque.
Snowman Farts Ornament (cafepress.com, $11.50)
So many questions, so few answers.
Tampon Angel Christmas Ornament (ebay.com, $3.50)
The fact that it says "used" on the item description and a tampon is involved just turns me off. Don't worry though, there are more than 10 of these holiday gems available for purchase (before December 27)! This ornament screams perfection for the PMS teenager and menopausal mother in every family.
Do you have any offensive ornaments?
Photo via kballard/Flickr